The children in every family take on roles designed to express love for the parents and a mooring for safety. The more a child experiences the pain and stress in a family, the more the child will cling to a particular role. The child in the role of the “Lost Child” loves by remaining committed to not burdening the parents. Their psychological profile is to remain unobtrusive, compliant, and nondisruptive. Sometimes they are labeled “the good kid” and ignored.
Due to the idealization of extraversion, introverted Lost Children are subject to being diagnosed with a form of anxiety disorder or autism. Beyond being diagnosed, it’s easy for Lost Children to conclude there’s something wrong with them and carry their self-diagnosis right into adulthood. As adults, they often show up in my office convinced there’s something terribly wrong with them. After listening to their analysis and details of early family life, I might suggest that the only thing bad is the lack of permission to be themselves.
Let’s take a closer look at some of the prevailing qualities of the Lost Child role:
- Comfort with solitude: A Lost Child knows how to enjoy time alone.
- Internally referenced: They easily reference themselves to their internal worlds. They can access their inner resources, such as imagination, intuition, and visioning.
- A strong spiritual predisposition: They can generate a rich spiritual life because of their lack of dependency upon the benefits of institutional living and conventional thinking.
- Often possesses a tender sensitivity: Typically, they need to pay attention to their intentions and effective boundaries, so their sensitivity is not a liability.
- Revisioning how to love: Loving without needs and without a voice is too limiting. They need to learn to identify their emotional needs, be willing to give them a voice, and receive trusted offerings from others.
- Revisioning safety: They crafted their safety by remaining anonymous. Invisibility must be replaced by effective boundaries where they can trust saying “no” and “yes.”
- Visioning friendship: The more emotionally accessible a Lost Child decides to be, the more important it is to decide what truly works regarding friendship.
If you are a Lost Child:
- Stop pathologizing yourself: Deciding something is wrong with you will not be helpful. Learn to honor your uniqueness, such as reading, which is very common amongst Lost Children.
- Stop trying to be a social extravert: Years ago, after returning from Thailand, an introverted culture, I understood what I had been experiencing as an introvert in an extraverted United States. I created an introverted way to engage, which sounds like this socially: “I’m not here to be with you mostly. But rather to be with myself most honestly and compassionately possible in your presence.” Even some of my extraverted friends have taken it up.
Parenting Your Lost Child
- Don’t pathologize the child’s need for solitude. It supports the need for alone time.
- Be curious about what the child may need from you. This can support the child learning about receiving in a relationship.
- Spend one-on-one time with your child. Tell them what you receive from your friends and how their offerings enrich your life.
- Learn to sit in silence with your child. Lost Children are comfortable in silence. Join them there. If you feel uncomfortable with the silence, pay attention to your breathing. There will be plenty of time to talk.
- Acknowledge the child’s inner resources. If the child shows a creative aptitude, acknowledge and encourage the expression of their creativity. It could also be an intellectual acuity or an incredible imagination.
- Avoid trying to fix your child. Before seeking professional support, be mindful that many of us are naturally externally referenced by the extraverted mandate. That means we are eager to focus on who to engage, where to go, what to accomplish, what role to play, and what work to do. Your lost child is more focused on what to feel, what to dream, what to reflect about, what to read, and how to remain self-examining.
- Read Susan Cain’s book, Quiet. A very high number of Lost Children are introverted, which is not strange or unusual. As graduation approached, I asked my introverted granddaughter about her high school experience. She replied, “It was fine, but I was encouraged to be an extravert daily.”
If you’re an adult who has suffered the self-inflicted indictment that there must be something wrong with you, please consider the possibility that you adopted the role of Lost Child in your family of origin. You were likely following your natural instincts of being an introvert and loving your parents by not burdening them with your needs. At the very least, practice my proposed consideration of social engagement—i.e., “I’m not here to mostly be with you. I’m here to be with myself as honestly and compassionately as possible in your presence.” I think you’ll like it.