Dating can feel a bit scary these days—especially with the current culture of online dating, where it’s easy for singles to create a false impression or persona. Curated profiles, witty one-liners, and the anonymity that comes with dating apps all make it harder to know who someone truly is. And when you’ve been in a relationship with an abuser, it’s common to experience anxiety and worry that you’ll find yourself back in a similar dynamic or situation.
Of course, it’s normal for singles to want to put their best foot forward and show up as the best version of themselves when dating someone new. It takes time to open up, to be vulnerable, and to determine compatibility—whether or not you and this person are a good fit. But when you’ve been in a relationship with someone who initially presented as harmless and then severely mistreated you, the “getting to know you” part of dating that’s meant to be fun and exciting can instead feel incredibly unsettling. So, I’m here to help.
6 red flags that may signal abusive tendencies or patterns of behavior in a date or prospective partner
1. They speak down to others or are harsh critics of most people.
Even if your date or prospective partner is kind and charming with you, pay attention to how they treat others. If they’re hypercritical, rude, or condescending, it can signal a sense of entitlement or superiority. They likely see themselves as better than most people—and may eventually treat you that way, too.
Tip: Observe how your date talks about friends and loved ones, and how they interact with others in public settings (i.e., servers, baristas, parking attendants). Notice their tone and language—are they kind and respectful, or rude and dismissive? This will give you valuable insight into how they see themselves in relation to others and how they might treat you once they feel comfortable.
2. They try to rush intimacy or push commitment early on.
If your date pressures you to share intimate details or personal information before you feel comfortable, this can signal a disregard for your boundaries or a sense of entitlement. Similarly, if they push for a commitment, such as exclusivity or becoming “official,” within the first few dates or weeks, without truly knowing you, this could be a red flag for possessiveness or controlling behavior.
Tip: Try setting a boundary to gauge their response. For example, if they press for details about your dating history or “body count,” you can say, “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that right now,” and see how they respond. If they react poorly or dismissively, take it seriously. Disrespect for boundaries early on usually escalates over time.
3. They regularly criticize you or make “small” jabs.
If you notice your date regularly giving you negative feedback or making “jokes” at your expense or that leave you feeling uneasy, pay attention to this inner experience. Even if it seems “small” or insignificant, regular or persistent criticism is a form of mistreatment. While honest feedback can be healthy, criticism becomes problematic if it’s pervasive and leaves you feeling small and worthless. Criticism of this nature is typically used as a means of asserting power and control. This person wants to be in a position of authority and dictate various aspects of your life that are not theirs to dictate.
Tip: If your date or the person you are dating says something that doesn’t sit well with you, let them know. Be clear and explain that their jab/joke/criticism hurt your feelings and that you are not OK with that type of comment or feedback. Again, observe how they respond to this boundary or limit. If they become defensive or minimize your feelings, this is good information for you to have. Remember, in a healthy relationship, your partner will respect and honor your feelings and needs.
4. They regularly express feelings of jealousy.
While jealousy is a very normal human emotion, when it’s not managed appropriately and the person you are dating or seeing regularly expresses these feelings and/or acts out on them (i.e., makes wrongful or inappropriate accusations, asks to check your phone), this is a huge red flag. This type of jealousy is an indicator of possessiveness and emotional immaturity and signals that your date or prospective partner maintains the belief that you are theirs.
Tip: If the person you are dating appears to be distrusting (i.e., questions who you’re spending time with or your whereabouts), notice how this makes you feel. If it feels intrusive or as if you have been violated, trust that feeling. Remember that you have the right to autonomy—the right to your own relationships, life, and identity outside of your romantic relationship. If a prospective partner tries to infringe on your autonomy, you may want to reconsider this person and the relationship.
5. They make everything about them.
If you find that your date or the person you are dating tends to mostly talk about themselves or always brings the conversation back to them, this can indicate that they are extremely self-focused and self-involved, and see their needs and feelings as being of greater importance than yours. This narcissistic personality type can be dangerous, as they typically lack or struggle with empathy and have a difficult time seeing you as an equal participant in the relationship.
Tip: Call it out. If you notice they haven’t asked about you or checked in on how you’re doing, say so. Let them know that mutual interest and emotional reciprocity are important to you. If they are receptive and make an effort to change their behavior, that’s a good sign. But if they become defensive, deflect responsibility, or brush it off, that’s likely to be part of a larger pattern—and not one that will support a safe, equal partnership.
6. Their actions don’t align with their words.
If the person you’re dating or seeing is inconsistent—meaning they talk the talk but don’t walk the walk—this can be a red flag for deceptive behavior. Abusive individuals often say things that sound good or things they think you want to hear in order to manipulate or bait you. For example, they might say they are “not a jealous person” but regularly make comments about you going on dates with other people. Or they may claim to be “easygoing” but become highly agitated when you don’t call or text them back immediately. This type of behavior can become quite problematic, as it demonstrates a low level of insight and self-awareness, as well as dishonesty and coercive tendencies.
Tip: Hold your date or the person you’re seeing accountable. If you notice inconsistencies in their behavior, name what you’re observing and pay attention to their response. Do they acknowledge it and make an effort to change? Or do they become defensive or deny the inconsistency altogether? Their response to your feedback will offer valuable insight into whether they’re capable of being not only a reliable partner, but a safe one.
You Got This
While I can’t speak for every situation, behavior, or personality type, my purpose is to empower you to date with intention and pursue relationships that feel healthy and safe. Listen to your body, honor your inner experiences, and use your past as a source of wisdom.