“Is it my perfectionism?” is a question that’s seldom asked by perfectionists. Much of the popular material on perfectionism is geared toward deepening one’s understanding of how to address self-oriented perfectionism, the impossibly high standards some of us hold ourselves to. But seldom addressed is what’s been labeled as other-oriented perfectionism, the impossibly high standards some of us hold others to.
In this respect, when the possibility of introspection is presented, perfectionists struggle with ascertaining whether they’re upset with someone because that individual violated some sort of agreement or because of their perfectionism: “Am I asking for too much, or is this person just lazy?” Due to a combination of distorted thinking styles and defense mechanisms, perfectionists often fail to acknowledge their own contributions to their dysfunctional communication patterns with others. The other’s laziness is a convenient and simple explanation, which absolves the perfectionist of any responsibility to change and thus of the need to feel some degree of shame.
If I’m perfect and you aren’t, I can continue to view empathy as a weakness, as an undeserved activity that merely perpetuates my being mistreated. In this world, empathy opens the door to manipulation and exploitation, with the perfectionists failing to note how they may be contributing to such horrific activities. As they protect and defend themselves, perfectionists often become that which they claim to disdain. To be fair, there are moments when kindness is exploited, but arguably, to disagree with the recent comments of a notable public figure, a lack of empathy is the real problem, not too much of it.
So, if you’re wondering if your perfectionism is the main source of your strife with another, ask yourself:
1. Could I be projecting? Do you have a tendency to blame others for something you’re at least in part responsible for? Is your partner or colleague lazy or negligent, or were the expectations vague? Did you maybe even expect them to go above and beyond your negotiated expectations because that’s what you believe you would do? These questions are important because not only may others be unaware of your standards for them, but they may have also never agreed to meet them had they known them from the start. Your standard for a “good employee” may not be universally shared, even if you strongly believe it should be. And not expressing that standard because you fear disagreement is deceptive.
2. Am I mentally filtering or disqualifying the positive? Mental filtering is the process by which you only focus on one side of a particular issue, ignoring or forgetting the other, and disqualifying the positive is the process by which you minimize an important achievement. Here, the perfectionist may leave out the positive aspects of their partner’s or colleague’s contributions. This may cause them to label that individual lazy or ungrateful. Yet, even though they’re apparently cutting corners, the other’s contributions may still be objectively considerable.
3. Is this a form of black-and-white thinking? This is related to point number one. Perfectionists tend to struggle with all-or-nothing thinking, thereby discounting anything that isn’t perfect. Here, the perfectionist can assess their standards for others, asking if there are any tolerable mistakes. Often, with introspection, perfectionists may realize that it isn’t one particular thing they’re upset about because they’re unable to tolerate any deviation from their expectations. Returning to the problem of vague agreements, the perfectionist may wish to consider creating clearer standards, which include exceptions.
4. Am I lacking empathy? Arguably, exceptions are just as important as one’s standards. Perfectionists often fail to express empathy for themselves, conceiving of any explanation for a failure as an excuse, so they, in turn, treat others in kind. Is your employee always late, or are they late sometimes, which feels intolerable to you? Did you consider or even inquire about their lateness, or did you just assume they didn’t care? Cultivating empathy may allow excuses, but it may also increase morale, particularly because the other feels heard and cared for. And doing so indicates an awareness of your own limitations, as you’re no longer just projecting them onto others. If your understanding of human nature is that it’s fundamentally lazy and deceptive, you may want to consider how that perspective contributes to your relationships.
5. Is any of this a denial of my envy? Despite the belief that perfectionists merely consider themselves to be superior, they’re often plagued by envy, believing it to be unfair that others are able “to be lazy” while they have to work harder than the rest. Rather than perceiving their own standards as the problem, they often believe those standards are imposed on them by others. Thus, they may project them onto others to balance out the “expected” workload. Rather than conceiving of emotions as normal, perfectionists may single themselves or others out as weak.
We see this tendency currently playing out on a global stage. However, not only do empathy and introspection help others—they help us as well. Many perfectionists will tell you how tiring it is to always be on guard, assuming the worst of others. And they may also note how limited and lonely their lives feel. Fortunately, treating others well is the same as being kind to oneself. But doing so takes some introspection and acknowledging needing others.