It is challenging to know our worth—deep in our bones—and actually believe it. As children, we accepted our worth without question. We didn’t constantly wonder if we were enough. Yet, as we grew, we began to question that core belief and ask: Am I really worthy?
The External Chase for Worth
Society has convinced us that our worth is something to be earned, won, or proved. We are expected to be extraordinary in every area of our lives—our jobs, family life, hobbies, and even our personal wellness. Many of us are constantly evaluating our worth based on things outside of us. We tie our worth to our job titles, grades, accolades, what’s in our bank account, how many friends we have, and what other people think of us. It has become a relentless pursuit of external approval. Yet, no matter how much we achieve, something always feels missing. It feels like we’re never doing or being enough.
Social media has only heightened this struggle. We compare our inner worlds—including our struggles, doubts, and insecurities—to the outsides of others that we are presented through curated highlight reels.
For years, I fell into the trap of chasing worthiness. In my first book, Calm Within the Storm, I shared the parts of my story that contributed to my broken sense of self and how my deep sense of unworthiness pushed me to try to prove myself. It motivated me to finish five degrees, yet even after reaching ambitious goals, I still did not feel fulfilled. My life changed when I realized that I had been enough all along. I no longer needed to prove anything to anyone, especially to the people who once made me feel broken or told me I was not enough. When I started to see and believe in my own worth, that is when I found fulfillment. When I stopped trying to earn my worth, I reclaimed my power and started writing my own story.
It can be easy to get stuck in the outer-attainment-for-inner-attunement trap, thinking that something on the outside will solve all our troubles and make us feel complete. The truth is, though, you will never have enough of what you do not need.
Conditional vs. Genuine Self-Worth
When we depend on the outside world for our sense of worth, our inner world becomes chaotic. The opinions of others become the measuring stick for our value, yet those opinions are ever-changing and often unkind.
Dr. Gabor Maté introduces the idea of contingent self-esteem and genuine self-esteem (Maté, 2018). Contingent self-esteem (or conditional self-worth) relies on external forces and validation—material possessions, followers, likes, and approval from others. This dependence on the world’s judgment is why people’s sense of worth can feel fleeting and prone to collapse. On the other hand, genuine self-esteem is unwavering. It is a consistent, steadfast, and unfluctuating baseline of knowing your worth. It comes from within and remains intact no matter what happens around us.
You do not need to search outside yourself to feel worthy. You have value and are enough just because you are. When we reclaim and hold onto this truth, Maté refers to this as returning to our inherent wholeness.
Reclaiming Your Self-Worth
Our sense of self-worth shapes how we think, feel, and move through this world. It impacts our well-being and capacity for resilience. Your self-worth is something to be recognized and reclaimed. You are worthy simply because you exist.
Here are a few ideas to cultivate and deepen your sense of self-worth:
- Reflect on what you feel determines your worthiness – Based on your lived experience, there may be certain areas on which you base your sense of self-worth. Has it been tied to external achievements, appearance, or the approval of others? Acknowledge when you are seeking external validation and ask yourself why it matters to you. Get curious about your patterns, and remember that things outside of you do not define your worth or internal value—don’t give them more power than they deserve.
- Repair your inner dialogue – Challenge the inner critic that tells you you’re not enough, that puts a spotlight on your failures and mistakes, and that pushes you to think the worst about yourself. Start by noticing the stories you’re telling yourself. If they are unkind, try naming the false belief. Maybe it sounds like “I’m not good enough,” or “I don’t belong.” Instead of accepting them as the truth, challenge them. Ask yourself: Where did this belief come from? Is it fact or just a feeling? Look for evidence to dissolve the belief from the feeling. Then, practice reinforcing a new narrative that is more helpful and supportive. Instead of “I’m not good enough,” shift to “I am enough as I am, and I am always growing.” Your inner voice matters—make it a kind one.
- Know who you are and who you are not – Having self-awareness—understanding your strengths, areas of growth, and what makes you you—allows you to show up authentically. Reflect on the labels you have used or been given to define who you are and who you are not. Meet your reflections with compassion and let go of those that no longer serve you.
- Prioritize your well-being – Many people struggle to take care of themselves because they do not feel worthy. But when you truly value, love, or respect something, you treat it well. You do not have to earn the right to look after yourself—you are already deserving and worthy of the time and effort it takes to be well. Cultivate behaviours, practices, and habits that bring you inward and allow you to meet your needs and tend to your head, heart, and body.
- Embrace dual truths – You can be a work in progress and still be deserving of love and respect. You can make mistakes and still be worthy. You can be imperfect and still be enough. Two things can be true at the same time.
Final Thoughts
We are all doing the best we can with the knowledge, tools, and circumstances we have in each moment. Your worthiness is not something you need to chase—it has always been within you. By virtue of you being here, your worth is already perfectly intact. Reconnect with that place inside your soul that knows this is the truth.
And if you need a gentle reminder–you are enough in this moment, and you will be enough in the next moment too. You have always been enough.