Family dynamics are complex and deeply ingrained, often operating beneath the surface in ways that are hard to recognize or change. Families function as interconnected systems, maintaining an internal balance—or homeostasis—that governs the interactions, behaviors, and roles of each member. This balance is maintained not just by keeping the peace but through unspoken rules that dictate how family members relate to one another. These norms are often invisible but powerful, shaping the family’s overall functioning and either sustaining harmony or perpetuating dysfunction. Understanding why it’s so difficult to change family dynamics requires recognizing and confronting these hidden rules. Hidden rules can include things like:
- “Our family loves to tease each other. Everybody needs to be able to handle that, no matter how hurtful.”
- “Being part of this family means believing in God.”
- “We don’t talk about sex.”
- “We don’t acknowledge Dad’s alcoholism. We deal with it.”
- “When arguments happen, everybody goes to their room to cool off, and then we act like nothing ever happened.”
These family rules are often not verbalized, yet they become deeply ingrained in how the family operates. When a family member violates one of these norms, the system reacts to bring that person back in line. For example, in a family where teasing is a norm, a sensitive child may cry when teased by their mother. Instead of addressing the hurtful behavior, the rest of the family might respond by telling the child to “get over it,” dismissing their feelings as dramatic or overly sensitive. The child learns to endure the behavior, and the norm of “we tease each other, no matter how mean” remains unquestioned. Over time, the child internalizes the idea that they are the problem—too sensitive or overly emotional—while the family continues to normalize the harmful behavior.
Take another example: a family that adheres to the rule “we don’t talk about arguments after they take place. We scatter and then act like nothing ever happened.” Enforcement of this norm may look like shutting down attempts to discuss unresolved issues. A family member who seeks resolution might be told to “get over it” or labeled as someone who “holds a grudge” or has an anger problem. The need for a resolution gets treated as an overreaction, and the family avoids confronting the real issues. This way, the family system can maintain the comfort of avoiding conflict, but at the expense of true resolution and emotional growth.
In families that enforce toxic norms, the unspoken motto is often, “The problem isn’t the problem. Your response to the problem is the problem.” This dynamic leads to the creation of “black sheep”—family members who feel that something is wrong but are unable to align with the rest of the family’s avoidance tactics. These individuals may feel isolated, confused, or unbalanced as they watch the rest of the family seemingly accept the status quo, even though it may be causing harm.
Changing family dynamics is challenging because it requires unsettling the very balance that has kept the family system functional—albeit dysfunctionally—over time. For any meaningful change to occur, family members must be willing to examine their unspoken norms and question the beliefs that underlie their behaviors. This can be an uncomfortable and often painful process, but it is essential for breaking free from harmful patterns and fostering healthier, more authentic connections.