Passive-aggressive communication can be maddening. It’s the art of saying something that sounds neutral or polite while delivering a jab. The worst part? If you call it out, the person can easily deny any ill intent, making you feel like you’re overreacting.
Over the years, I have had many counseling clients who have appeared in my office feeling emotionally wiped out after being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive comments. You don’t have to play that game. Here are three of the most frustrating passive-aggressive phrases and how to respond.
1. “I was just joking. You’re too sensitive.”
What it means: I said something hurtful, but instead of taking responsibility, I’m making it your fault for reacting.
Example: Maya tells her sister Vivian, “Wow, you’re on time for once!” When Vivian looks hurt, Maya laughs and says, “Oh, relax. I was joking. You’re too sensitive.”
How to respond: Stay firm and direct instead of defending yourself or getting into an argument. Try saying:
“Joking is supposed to be funny for both people. If it hurts, it’s not a joke.”
This response calmly sets a boundary without inviting more defensiveness. It clarifies that humor shouldn’t come at someone else’s expense.
2. “Whatever. Do what you want.”
What it means: I’m angry, but instead of expressing it openly, I’ll act like I don’t care while making you feel guilty.
Example: Damien asks his roommate Leo if he’s okay with having friends over for a game night. Leo sighs and mutters, “Whatever. Do what you want.”
How to respond: Acknowledge the underlying emotion and encourage direct communication:
“It sounds like you’re upset. I’d rather talk about it directly—what’s on your mind?”
This response puts the ball in their court. If they insist they’re “fine,” don’t push. But by calmly calling out the behavior, you show that you won’t engage in the passive-aggressive cycle.
3. “Fine, I guess I’ll do it myself.”
It really means that I feel unappreciated or unsupported, but instead of asking for help, I’ll guilt-trip you into offering.
Example: Priya asks her coworker Jonah if he can help with a project. When he hesitates, she huffs, “Fine. I’ll do it myself.”
How to respond: Instead of taking the bait, encourage more precise communication:
“If you need help, I’m happy to talk about it. But I’d rather you ask directly instead of assuming I won’t.”
This lets them know their frustration is valid, but manipulation isn’t the way to get what they need.
Final Tip: Stay Calm, Set Boundaries
When dealing with passive-aggressive comments, stay calm, avoid escalating, and encourage direct communication. You can’t control how someone else acts, but you can set the tone for healthier interactions. When you respond with clarity and confidence, you take back your power.