In Part 1 of this two-part series, we unpacked where perfectionism often comes from; how it impacts our brains, bodies, and relationships; and why it’s so common among high-achieving women. Now, let’s dive into the solutions—the tools and mindset shifts that can help you start transforming your relationship with perfectionism today.
Breaking Free From Perfectionism: What Actually Helps
Let me walk you through what I’ve seen make the biggest difference, both in my practice and in the research.
Understanding What’s Really Happening
The first breakthrough usually comes with understanding that perfectionism isn’t some character flaw—it’s actually a pretty brilliant survival strategy your brain came up with. Early experiences literally rewire our brain’s threat detection system. When we understand this, we can start approaching our patterns with curiosity instead of judgment.
I watched this click for Rachel during one of our sessions. “Wait…” she said, sitting up straighter in her chair during our telehealth session, “so you’re telling me my brain was actually trying to protect me? I’m not just broken?” The relief on her face was immediate. Because here’s the thing—fighting yourself is exhausting. But understanding why you do what you do? That’s where real change can begin.
Getting Your Body On Board
One of the most fascinating things recent trauma research has shown us is that our bodies hold what our minds try to rationalize away. For Rachel, perfectionism wasn’t just mental—it showed up physically: chest tightening during team meetings, stomach in knots before investor pitches. These weren’t random stress symptoms—they were her body’s alarm system blaring.
Specific breathing patterns can actually help rewire this system. For Rachel, the 4-7-8 breathing method became what she called her “emergency brake”—a way to physically interrupt perfectionism’s grip when it started taking over. We also incorporated what Levine’s (2010) research calls progressive muscle relaxation—essentially teaching your body that it’s safe to relax instead of staying in constant crisis mode.
The Clinical Heavy Lifters
Sometimes we need bigger proverbial power tools to tackle perfectionism’s roots. In my practice, I’ve found two approaches particularly powerful:
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EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing): Shapiro’s (2018) research shows it can help reprocess those early experiences that keep perfectionism running. Yes, it sounds a bit out there (moving your eyes back and forth while processing memories?), but the research backing it is solid. It helps your brain file away old painful experiences differently so they stop triggering your present-day perfectionism.
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IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy: This helps you understand your “perfectionist part” wasn’t actually the enemy. Instead of trying to eliminate perfectionism (which never works), you’ll learn to appreciate why it showed up and teach it new ways to keep you safe, like working with a really overprotective security guard—you don’t fire them, you help them find better ways to do their job.
Redefining What Success Actually Means
This is where things get real. Flett et al.’s (2023) research confirms what I’ve seen over and over in my practice: The magic happens when people start measuring success by their own standards instead of everyone else’s expectations.
For Rachel, this meant asking herself some uncomfortable questions: What if success wasn’t just about impressing investors or hitting impossible metrics? What if it was about building technology that actually helped people while maintaining her own well-being? This wasn’t about lowering her standards—it was about choosing which standards actually mattered to her.
The shift was subtle at first. She started reconnecting with her original vision of building accessible technology—a mission that had gotten buried under metrics and market expectations. “For the first time in years,” she shared, “I feel like I’m building something that matters to me, not just something that looks good on paper.”
What This Perfectionism Transformation Actually Looks Like
After months of work, Rachel’s relationship with perfectionism began to shift. Her team noticed she could handle feedback without spiraling. She started delegating more, trusting her team’s capabilities instead of micromanaging. Most importantly, she reported feeling more present in her actual life instead of constantly preparing for imagined disasters.
Did perfectionism completely disappear? No. But it transformed from a relentless taskmaster into more of an occasional consultant—still there, but no longer running the show. This isn’t about lowering your standards or diminishing your impact. It’s about creating success that feels meaningful and sustainable, built on a foundation of self-trust rather than self-criticism.
Your journey toward healing perfectionism doesn’t have to be perfect—it just needs to begin.