When a friend or loved one has something bad happen to them, what should you do to help them feel better? This question can be difficult to answer because people have different personalities and want different things at different times: empathy, problem-solving, optimism, distraction, and so on. (Note: If you want to dive in, you can check out this previous study we ran where people gave divergent answers about what they want from a friend after something bad happens.)
The key distinction we draw here is that when something bad happens to you, at first you may not yet comprehend what’s happening. Then you may feel bad but not yet want those emotions to go away. After that, you may be ready to start feeling better, and finally, you may want help with problem-solving. Often when you try to comfort somebody and it seems to make things worse, it’s because you are offering assistance that is best given at a different stage. For example, trying to cheer someone up when the person is still in a stage where they do not want to feel better yet, or offering advice when they are still too upset to hear it.
Note that we are only considering non-emergency situations for this model, since emergencies require immediate action.
The Four States of Distress Model
State 1: Shocked or confused
When something negative and unexpected occurs, we may need time to understand what actually happened and how we feel about it. A friend can help facilitate that process. If you know someone in this state, you can help them understand what happened and how they feel about it.
Most common potential emotions: shock, confusion, surprise, fear, dread, denial.
Example: your friend comes home from vacation and finds that their apartment is wrecked.
Strategies more likely to be helpful:
- Active listening
- Helping to resolve confusion
- Expression of concern
- Validating their confusion
- Reflecting back to them your understanding of what they have said
State 2: Feeling bad and not ready to feel better
When we’re feeling strong negative emotions we may actually want to be feeling them. For instance, if someone we love dies, we likely will want to be sad about it for some period of time. Or if we are betrayed, we may well want to stay angry at the person for a while because we feel that anger is deserved. If you know someone in this state, you can help them express their feelings and feel validated.
Most common potential emotions: intense forms of sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, contempt, guilt, jealousy.
Example: your friend whose home was wrecked is feeling highly anxious about the expensive damages and furiously angry at the person whom they let stay there while they were gone.
Strategies more likely to be helpful:
- Active listening
- Empathy
- Validating their emotions
- Reflecting back to them your understanding of what they have said
- Help them get into a mindset where they are ready to feel better
State 3: Feeling bad but wants to feel better
After feeling bad for a while, at some point, we are likely to get sick of those negative feelings and wish that we could feel better again. At this point, a friend can help alleviate those negative feelings. If you know someone in this state, you can help them feel better.
Most common potential emotions: intense to moderate forms of sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, contempt, guilt, jealousy [same list as State 2].
Example: your friend whose home was wrecked is still feeling anxious about the cost of replacing their possessions and angry at the person who caused the damage, but they are sick of thinking about it all the time and want to move past it.
Strategies more likely to be helpful (note that this section is especially person-dependent, with different people having different “comfort languages“):
- Optimism and reframing (e.g., seeing it in a less negative light or finding a silver lining)
- Physical comforting (e.g., a hug)
- Validating their emotions
- Distraction (e.g., doing a fun activity)
- Helping them explore and understand their feelings
- Problem-solving (especially if there is a way to quickly fix much of the problem)
Since people really do differ in their preferred ways to be comforted (e.g., some people love optimism while some hate it, some people love hugs and others don’t like to be touched), it’s really important at this stage to use your knowledge of the person to figure out how to best comfort them. If you don’t know, you can simply ask them how you can help them feel better, and then suggest options that they can choose from.
State 4: Feeling better and wants solutions
When we’re feeling intensely bad, it’s often both difficult and unappealing to problem-solve. After we start to feel better, however, we may start to feel motivated to find a way to improve our situation. A friend can be very helpful at this point in helping us think through potential solutions or by volunteering to help directly. If you know someone in this state, you can help them move forward past the problem.
Most common potential emotions: more manageable or minor forms of sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, contempt, guilt, or jealousy.
Example: your friend whose home was wrecked is feeling somewhat less bad about it, but now they want help figuring out how they are going to get their stuff replaced and whether they can get the guest who caused the damage to pay.
Strategies more likely to be helpful (though your choice will depend on the person and your relationship to them):
- Brainstorming solutions
- Problem solving
- Advice
- Volunteering your time to actually help with the solution
- Providing resources to help solve the problem
Summary: The best strategies to comfort someone
So, the next time a friend or loved one has had something bad happen to them, consider applying the Four States of Distress Model by considering which of the four states they are likely in:
- Shocked or confused – you can help them figure out what happened and how they are feeling.
- Feeling bad and not ready to feel better – you can listen empathetically and validate their feelings.
- Feeling bad but wants to feel better – you can help them feel better using their preferred comfort language.
- Feeling better and wants solutions – you can help them figure out what to do.
This post also appears on ClearerThinking.org.