Jamie’s mother has always been critical and self-oriented, and Jamie works hard to keep the relationship civil for the sake of her kids. At her child’s birthday party, Jamie’s mother disappears. She calls her mother an hour after the party to ask where she went, and her mother replied that no one was paying attention to her and she was deeply hurt. Jamie feels exasperated. It’s a child’s party! The focus should be on the child! But to her mother, it was a grave offense.
Abby is in a relationship with a man with narcissistic tendencies. Recently he has been stressed at work, and she wants to be a good partner. She listens to his work gripes and provides support. Recently, he said that he would take the trash out. When she noticed it was getting late and he hadn’t done it yet, she gently said, “The trash needs to go out tonight.” To this, he shouted and yelled that he had to do everything. Abby felt she made a mistake bringing it up and that she should have just taken it out herself.
For anyone who has interacted with a narcissist, this pattern may seem quite familiar. While narcissists quickly and liberally criticize others, they are incapable of receiving normal, healthy feedback. They lash out when they perceive a slight — real or imagined. It can feel disorienting and make you second-guess everything you said and did. How did I hurt them so badly? What can I do differently in the future so they don’t feel hurt? You walk on eggshells, hoping you can keep them from flaring. In the meantime, the constant self-doubt and self-monitoring can lead to symptoms of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. We need a toolkit to handle these situations and to protect our mental health. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Anticipate your nervous system flaring. When you sense the anger and pain coming from a narcissist for something you said or did, you may feel your heart race, breath shorten, muscles tense, and more. This is expected. Yes, it’s not a saber-tooth tiger, but the person is attacking you and your body is responding accordingly. You are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
- Know that their response is unhealthy. What you said shouldn’t have provoked that level of anger or upset feeling. The mismatch has to do with them – not you. It is appropriate to assert an opinion, a desire, or a fact, and have the other person engage with it in a calm manner. In the case of Jamie, it is appropriate to invite your mother to a child’s birthday party and not focus your attention solely on her. It is not okay for them to get angry and make you feel you have done something awful. If your mind is quick to question your actions and yourself, share the situation with a trusted friend and see what they say. It is important to remember that you are not to blame for their reaction.
- End the conversation. Nothing good can come from engaging a narcissist in a flare-up. Switch the topic, talk to another person in the area, leave the room – anything to turn the attention away from the current topic. While they may act like this is life or death now, narcissists are quick to move on from upsetting topics. This also prevents more words from being said and the situation becoming worse.
- Don’t beat yourself up. It is not your fault that they got upset. When others react to something we do, it is natural to try to figure out what you said that upset them so it doesn’t happen again. Know that your words were fine. Try to take a deep breath and let them go. There is nothing to learn here.
- Build up your support system. When you deal with a fragile narcissist regularly, it is critically important to interact with other individuals with whom you feel safe to speak openly and freely. These relationships can help bolster your sense of self and confidence in the world, reinforcing that your words and actions are not an offense to everyone. It can be really helpful to see yourself reflected back as a kind, caring person and not the always-erring person your narcissist construes you to be.
- Expect it to happen again. Narcissists tend to believe that others are to blame for their bad feelings, so it is unlikely that they will seek out help or try to understand their role in these situations. With no learning and growth, these situations are bound to happen again. If you are mentally prepared for flare-ups from this person, you may be able to stay more centered the next time it happens.
If these situations keep happening, you may have to evaluate the overall relationship. Take a moment to write down the pros and cons. Why do you want this person in your life? What are you getting from the relationship? What would you like to preserve? What parts would you like to let go? When you take an honest assessment of the relationship, you can decide in what capacity you want to have this person in your life. You may decide to limit or end contact with this individual. Give yourself permission to do so. When it comes to managing relationships with narcissists, the highest priority is your own well-being and mental health.