Some partners in a committed relationship may joke that buying a flashy new sports car or coming home wearing a stylish new dress is evidence of an affair—in other words, assuming the worst, even if jokingly. But the truth is that, for both men and women, new purchases may reflect a desire to please one’s current partner. Research explains.
When Romantic Alternatives Reinforce Existing Relationships
Ting Xu and Rui Chen (2024), in a piece entitled “I Am Better When I Am Bad,” explored partner purchasing practice after exposure to romantic alternatives.1 They began by recognizing that people are innately motivated toward cultivating and maintaining romantic relationships and that consumption is used to construct personal image. Consequently, they explored the impact of romantic alternatives on the experiential and material purchases of partners in committed relationships.
Xu and Chen presented participants with pictures of opposite-sex candidates from an online dating platform and asked them to score their attractiveness and to then imagine going on a romantic date with the candidate they found most attractive. Participants were then presented with a consumption choice: They were asked whether, if they had a gift voucher, they would redeem it for a tangible item, such as a decoration for their desk, or a buffet meal. Because the experimental manipulation triggered an extra-relational desire without resulting in actual infidelity, it facilitated an examination of responsive purchasing behavior within the confines of current relationships.
The Desire to Acquire: Purchasing Personal Preference
Across six studies, Xu and Chen found that nonsingles who were exposed to romantic alternatives experienced cognitive dissonance and psychological discomfort (guilt) related to violating relational rules and chose self-enhancement as a protective pathway to reassure and comfort themselves about being a good partner. Men preferred experiential purchases to project an image of emotional warmth, and women preferred material purchases to enhance a practical image of warmth.
Regarding purchasing selection, Xu and Chen describe purchases as a type of self-extension that promotes personal image. They separate material purchases, which involve acquiring a tangible possession, from experiential purchases, which deliver life experiences such as buying a ticket to a concert. They note that material purchases involve tangible products usually kept for an extended period of time, as opposed to experiential purchases of intangible experiences or events.
Regarding gender differences, Xu and Chen note that men perceive experiential purchases as a more effective way to fulfill social needs. They explain that experiential purchases facilitate sharing, providing the opportunity for joint consumption. Examples include traveling, attending movies, and dining out—all of which are more likely to involve others, promoting relational satisfaction and the need for belonging.
My Purchases, Myself
In reality, purchasing patterns are motivated by a variety of factors related to personal enhancement or desiring to please or spend quality time with one’s partner. Whether a new purchase is a pair of shoes or a pair of tickets to Paris, it may simply reflect a desire for relationship enrichment and commitment. Sometimes, purchases are made out of gratitude, feeling lucky to share life with a wonderful spouse. Other times, a new dress was just on sale. In the balance, purchasing preferences within a quality, loving relationship should always receive the benefit of the doubt.