All healthy relationships have moments of struggle. It is normal to hit rough patches or even to undergo crises. You and your partner go through those moments and then you repair. If you know how to do this well, your relationship comes out stronger as a result. But not all couples are able to repair. If they don’t learn how or the ruptures have gone beyond their ability to repair, their relationship may not be salvageable.
A relationship is in trouble when the issues that brought on a crisis are deal-breakers and the fundamentals of safety, security, and trust are no longer present. Trouble occurs when the partners don’t have either the capacity or the desire to rebuild a sufficient level of security to sustain their relationship.
I like to use the metaphor of a boat. A boat with one or two holes can be repaired if both people on deck work together to repair the boat. But if the boat gets too many unrepaired holes, and only one crewperson is running around trying to put patches on the holes, eventually it will sink.
If you want to keep your relationship from sinking, it is helpful to be able to recognize the main signs of serious trouble. These generally revolve around threats to the security and safety of the relationship. I would highlight three main indicators: (1) trust has been eroded beyond repair; (2) either partner feels unsafe, emotionally or physically; and (3) one or both partners’ needs are not being met. If any of these indicators are present, your relationship boat may not be strong enough to ride the ups and downs of even your normal day-to-day waves.
The Erosion of Trust
Betrayals, such as affairs or secrets, result in a deep rupture of trust that can be difficult or impossible to overcome. Trust can also be broken without one specific betrayal event. If trust between you and your partner has eroded, you won’t be able to resolve disagreements. When you feel hurt by your partner, you won’t be able to quickly repair it.
Other indicators of broken trust include prolonged feelings of disconnection, obsessive thinking, intrusive thoughts or hypervigilance about your partner, and a lack of accountability or minimizing the feelings associated with a betrayal. You may also experience insomnia, anxiety, or depression, and your own sense of self-worth may start to decline.
Feeling Unsafe
Even a single incident of emotional or physical abuse is a major red flag and an immediate deal-breaker. However, short of such an incident, you may feel unsafe in your relationship as a result of ongoing criticism, blame, defensiveness, or other controlling behaviors. If your partner wants an open relationship but you don’t, you will likely feel unsafe. Feeling consumed by your relationship, feeling lonely in the relationship, or feeling voiceless are indications your partnership is not grounded in safety.
Unmet Needs
A consistent lack of connection and intimacy, either emotional or sexual, may result in a slow drift apart, such that partners are no longer able to reconnect with each other. When your needs are consistently not met or are ignored in a relationship, you may feel that whatever you do is not enough or that you have to constantly prove you are worthy of your partner’s love. You may feel unseen, misunderstood, or not acknowledged. You may feel unheard or that your partner doesn’t listen to you, is not interested in you, or minimizes your needs as not valuable or worthy.
If you learned as a child that your needs aren’t important or that being a “people pleaser” who puts others’ needs first is a way to get seen, it may be hard to recognize when your needs are not being met as an adult. Instead of being honest with yourself that your relationship is unhealthy, you may feel responsible for acting as if everything is OK. You may feel that just getting crumbs of love is enough and may feel that stating your needs would be unsafe.
For others, a deep need to maintain independence can make it hard to connect, even if that’s what they really want. You may miss the fact that your needs for connection are not being met because you have convinced yourself that you don’t really have those needs. You may prioritize needs in other areas of your life over your needs in the relationship and miss the full range of your needs.
Taking Steps to Get Out of Trouble
A relationship that is in trouble is not necessarily doomed. If you recognize the underlying problem in time, you may still be able to keep things afloat.
The first step is to acknowledge your struggles. Fear and shame are at the root of why most people struggle with being honest with themselves and acknowledging that their relationship is in trouble. Some people excuse or minimize their partner’s behaviors or fear asking for their needs to be met. They fear that if they are honest, they will end up alone or that their kids will be the victims if their relationship fails.
The second step (unless there is active abuse) is to talk with your partner. Be open and share your thoughts and feelings, even if it feels scary or if you are concerned that what you say might hurt your partner. Not saying anything will hurt them more and will further drive you apart.
Third, the support of a couples therapist can be a game changer. Therapy can help you identify your needs, recognize your relationship patterns, learn how your past attachment traumas may be affecting your current relationship, and improve communication. You also may want to work with your own individual therapist to process your feelings of loss, fear, and shame. Healing from one relationship can set you up to find healthier relationships in the future—whether that is with the same person or someone new.
Ultimately, the signs of trouble may lead you to a place where healing and repair are not possible. If you or your partner do not have the capacity or desire to heal your relationship together, then it may be time to look at ending your relationship. It may be a hard decision, but ending the relationship may be exactly what is best. A good therapist can guide you to break up well so you can have a good goodbye and (if you have children) move into a successful co-parenting relationship.