Joelle was abused by her ex-partner for years before working up the strength to come forward. Unfortunately, her ex was in her late 60s by the time Joelle felt comfortable reporting what happened. Her ex was struggling with multiple physical health concerns and ended up passing shortly after. At the time of her ex’s passing, Joelle had told two people of her experience: her therapist and a mutual friend.
Joelle did not go to the funeral, but due to her ex’s status in the community, she was exposed to many different news and media outlets where people spoke publicly about how “kind and generous” her ex was. Seeing all these statements made Joelle feel gaslit and invalidated.
“I feel like I just want to scream,” Joelle said during her next session.”All these people think that she was so kind and thoughtful. No, she was not.” Joelle had tried to seek support from their mutual friend, who urged Joelle to “just move on,” and questioned her if it was that bad, or if she was remembering it wrong.
“It’s like even my friend backtracked and felt guilty talking about it after she passed,” Joelle said in defeat.
“I just want to come forward and correct all these people, but I know that it won’t do anything, and it will only make me look bad.”
Joelle was right, unfortunately. And she was dealing with all of the feelings that so many in her shoes have experienced: feeling invalidated and denied when an abusive person dies.
In many cases, society tends to protect the legacies of abusers, often prioritizing their reputation over the truths of their victims.
This behavior pattern can stem from a desire to maintain a certain image of an individual or from a deep-seated discomfort with confronting uncomfortable realities of who someone really was. For people like Joelle, this silence can feel like a re-traumatization: invalidating their experiences and reinforcing feelings of isolation.
This reluctance is further reinforced by social norms and etiquette that seek to uphold a sanitized version of those who have passed. The notion that it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead is deeply rooted in cultural and social beliefs that emphasize respect for the deceased. As a result, speaking negatively about someone can be seen as disrespectful, not only to their memory but also to the feelings of grieving loved ones. However, this desire to preserve a positive legacy often seems to remove them from any possibility of wrongdoing as soon as they pass. For people like Joelle, this can make them feel like their silence is expected for fear of conflict, a desire to avoid uncomfortable conversations, and even a fear of being made to feel like they are the bad ones. As a result, many feel that if they tell the truth about their experience, they will be made to look like the wrong one, leaving them feeling unheard and invalidated.
Hearing others speak about positive aspects of their abuser’s past can intensify feelings of re-traumatization
Like Joelle, hearing others speak about the positive aspects of an abuser’s past can intensify feelings of re-traumatization. It can create a jarring dissonance between a person’s lived experience and the narrative being presented by the community. While it’s true that most abusive individuals possess positive qualities—such as charm, intelligence, or acts of kindness—these traits are often seen by those who were not subjected to the harm they were capable of.
When people focus solely on the good, it can invalidate the pain and experience, making a person feel isolated and gaslit. This selective remembrance reinforces the sense of being misunderstood or dismissed. It can also lead to feelings of anger and confusion, as one grapples with the disparity between the abuser they knew and the image that others celebrate.
What can you do in this situation?
1. Acknowledge and validate your truth: This means allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions that arise—anger, sadness, confusion—without judgment. Writing in a journal, speaking with a therapist, or sharing your story with trusted friends can help you process these feelings. Understanding that your truth is valid, regardless of how others perceive the deceased, is an essential step in reclaiming your narrative.
2. Understand that most people are just following the social script: I understand how hard it can be to not take this personally, but recognizing that many people are repeating societal norms and clichés can offer a sense of perspective. Most individuals may not have the knowledge or context to understand the complexities of abusive relationships; they often rely on familiar social scripts to navigate uncomfortable topics such as death. This means they often follow the script of saying something nice about the person who has passed and then moving on. By viewing their comments through this lens, sometimes this can help us create emotional distance, which can help to reduce the feelings of personal attack.
3. Seek support and community: Connect with others who understand your experiences—whether through support groups, online forums, or therapy. Sharing your story with those who understand you and believe you provide validation and reduce feelings of isolation. Wasting time trying to convince those who do not understand can set you back in your recovery and healing, and can have the unfortunate effect of making you look vindictive. Instead, spend your time looking for others who validate and support you.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.