“Man is not what he thinks he is; he is what he hides.” —André Malraux
Corrine, a 34-year-old account executive, was in a secret year-long affair with her married boss, Daniel. She came to therapy grappling with feelings of guilt and confusion. “I know it’s wrong,” she said, “but I can’t seem to stop myself. It feels thrilling but also … awful.”
Sneakiness is a curious trait. It’s not overtly malicious like aggression or glaringly self-serving like arrogance. It often operates in the shadows—subtle and nuanced but also deliberate.
However, furtive behavior can do significant damage—not only to the deceived but also to the deceiver. A 2023 study published in Communications Psychology revealed that people who practice deceptive or dishonest behavior report decreased social connections and increased loneliness relative to their more honest counterparts.
In Corrine’s case, the cycle of guilt and secrecy began to erode her sense of self, and it damaged her relationship with her close friends since she was keeping such a large part of her life from them. That caused her to withdraw further to avoid judgment and conflict and, in turn, increased her shame.
In my practice, I see a broad spectrum of clandestine behavior. Sometimes, it’s relatively innocent, like the Gen Z client who starts a burner Instagram account to stalk a new romantic partner. Other times, the behavior is downright criminal. A 55-year-old client recently learned that her step-sibling covertly manipulated her father with dementia to disinherit her while he was isolated during COVID-19.
Several factors can drive sneakiness, such as guilt or shame. A person might lie to their spouse about their spending habits, not because they enjoy being deceitful but because they dread their partner’s disapproval. On the other hand, sometimes the problem is that the sneaky person lacks shame. Individuals who possess personality traits in the Dark Triad—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—are often quite artful at deceit and manipulation and are motivated by their personal advantage.
Corrine, I’m happy to report, is not a psychopath. She was motivated to change her behavior. Here’s how we worked through it.
1. Explore the underlying motivations.
In therapy, Corrine asked herself tough questions: Why do I need to hide my desires? What am I afraid will happen if I’m honest? This self-reflection helped her understand that her sneakiness wasn’t about the affair—it was about her fear of rejection and conflict, which went back to her strict upbringing.
Growing up, Corrine had a judgmental and controlling mother. “If I spoke up about what I wanted, it always ended in a fight or her telling me I was selfish,” she said. Over time, Corrine learned to suppress her desires, making secrecy her default mode. Her sneakiness was a defense mechanism against vulnerability, a way to avoid judgment or rejection.
Daniel was disinterested in getting to know Corrine on a deeper level. The affair, though painful, provided the sense of power and connection she craved while also allowing her to avoid the vulnerability of openly expressing her needs. Instead of directly asking for love and connection, she sought it in the shadows, where it felt safer. Of course, there was nothing safe about the affair—she stood to lose a great deal if it was exposed in the workplace.
2. Practice direct communication.
Learning to express her needs openly felt daunting to Corrine, but she began practicing in small ways. Whether setting boundaries with friends or being honest about her feelings, these moments of vulnerability gradually reduced her reliance on secrecy.
It was hard at first to share the affair with her friends due to shame, but she started with closer, safer friends. As time went on, she opened up to a close aunt about the affair, who reciprocated that she had also had an affair with a married man at one point in her life, strongly advising her to end it.
3. Seek support.
Therapy provided Corrine with a safe space to explore her emotions and better understand patterns she had carried since childhood.
As time passed, Corrine recognized that the fallout from being sneaky also included loneliness and isolation. She realized she had distanced herself from all but the handful of close confidants who knew about Daniel. Too often, that left her alone on weekends, pining away for Daniel. She began to doubt her choices.
Corrine began to identify her complex feelings as valid almost for the first time. As she started to feel more, she wanted to share these newfound emotions with Daniel. The problem was, to maintain Daniel’s interest, she had to keep her disappointment, yearning, and anger to herself. Pretending not to care became increasingly difficult and uncomfortable. Finally, she decided to rip off the Band-Aid and tell Daniel exactly how much he had hurt her. That ended the affair; he did not want to know the honest Corrine.
For Corrine, accepting that her needs were valid was a long process, but getting closer to self-acceptance brought her out of the shadows and into a new and exciting way of living. She learned that being herself was the key to living with accountability. Best of all, she learned that she could handle it.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.