Americans — particularly children — are experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. The Surgeon General has recently pointed out that more people report being lonely than ever before. That includes almost 60% of adolescent girls, who report feeling sad and hopeless.
I am not someone who demonizes the internet. I have found online support groups to be invaluable in finding connection with other people experiencing the same struggles as I have. The internet has been a lifeline for my son, who was chronically ill and otherwise socially isolated.
But there is something to be said for meeting people in real life. Face to face. Where you can hear the warmth in their voice, read their expressions, and casually chat as you wander out to get a donut. Where you can say something dumb, clarify, and apologize, and not have it hang in the ether forever. And where you can toss a ball, do some crafts, or play a game and hear the slap of cards.
The Fear of Saying “Hi”
After the pandemic, my students seemed to feel really awkward just talking to each other. Staring at their phones seemed much more compelling than talking to the person seated 5 inches away.
Entering groups and starting conversations is one of the most challenging tasks for children. Many kids — particularly shy ones or those with less confidence — are afraid to begin a conversation because of worries about being rejected. Let’s face it — adults feel the same way. My idea of a nightmare is going to a meet and greet with students and their parents. I dread the idea of having to smile and chat and talk.
But let’s contrast anxiety with reality.
When I was 15, I had a life-changing experience. I went to a dance convention in New York City. I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria with my teacher, another student, and her mom. And I learned something really critical: I am completely unimportant.
This doesn’t sound like a good thing, but it really was. It meant that nobody minded if I said hello to them. In fact, they looked pleased that I noticed them and happy to be greeted. They were just like me — afraid of rejection.
I took that lesson home with me and — despite my lowly nerd status in high school — acted on it. I said hi to people I knew in the hallways. They said hi back! Even popular kids. And it did change my life — I said hi to the guy sitting in front of me in English class and I’m still married to that guy today. Not one person gave me the hairy eyeball for the temerity of saying hi in the hallways.
That was lesson number 1: Most people feel flattered to be greeted. Smile. Make it short. Move on.
Overcoming Inertia: Getting Out
Hundreds of studies in social psychology have suggested that propinquity — being close to one another — is a terrific predictor of friendship. People who have dorm rooms near the bathrooms make more friends than those at the end of the hallway. Secretaries know everyone.
The first step of forming connections is going to places where you meet other people. There are three important steps to this:
1. Leave your room/home/hidden corner coffee shop table.
2. Go someplace regularly so you bump into the same people.
3. Greet regulars. Start with a casual nod (this isn’t a pickup). Move on to saying hi. Share a short observation.
Lesson number 2: Going out is almost always more fun and less stressful than you think it will be.
I am an excellent example of the social psychology principle of the approach/avoidance trade-off. When I get an invitation to go someplace, I’m pleased, happy, and look forward to it. As I get closer and closer to the date, I start to think about my awkwardness and worry about not knowing anyone. In other words, the cons loom larger and the pros get smaller. When it’s time to go, suddenly it’s too cold, too dark, too far, and too awkward. I stay home.
But what happens if somehow I overcome that barrier and make it out the door? I almost always have a good time. I see someone I recognize or I talk to another lonely-looking soul. They always seem relieved that someone is talking to them (see Lesson 1 above). And I almost always have a much better time than I thought I would.
Talked yourself into going out? Leave when you’re done.
Join a Club: That’s What They’re For
Extracurricular activities and clubs are a great way for kids and adults to achieve propinquity, find something in common to talk to other people about, and overcome the “leave the room” barrier by having regularly scheduled meetings.
Clubs and extracurricular activities have been shown to make kids happier, to reduce depression and anxiety, and even to improve grades. My own work has shown that kids do better in school and are less likely to get in trouble the semesters they are in sports or clubs than the semesters they are not.
Why? It makes it easy to make friends because it provides a structure for interacting. It gives you something to do together and talk about. You see the same people all the time. And even if you don’t make close friends, you are doing something you enjoy with people who share your interests. Connection.
Lesson 3: If you volunteer you’ll become a core member really fast. When I was a kid, my parents always told us that if you were in a group you needed to participate in the group. Help organize activities. Put out the chairs. Bring the food. The people who do that form the core of any club. Don’t put yourself in charge. Help. And help other people get involved and comfortable too. You’ll not only make friends, you’ll help others make friends too.