I hear it all the time in healthcare:
Doc 1: “Oh, man, I didn’t get out of the hospital until at least seven every night last week. Didn’t make it home for a single dinner with the kids.”
Doc 2: “I know what you’re sayin’. I didn’t make it home once ’til after nine all week. Didn’t even see my kids.”
I am sure this goes on in all high-intensity industries. We congregate and begin to complain about our lot. Then, a colleague one-ups us. Another chimes in and beats that. We feel pressured to trump them both. And so it goes.
How about you? Do you partake? Do you itch to beat your colleagues in a misery sweepstakes? Do you search for a tale so wretched that the others will rear back in awe of your privation?
Throughout my career, I know I was prone to it. I took a twisted delight in being the earliest in, the latest out, having the most add-on patients, operating on free weekends, taking the most calls, sustaining the most nights without sleep, and generally being the most hurried and harried doc in the system.
Just a Stress Reliever?
Perhaps this “comparative suffering” is a harmless stress reliever. We know that debriefing our stressors and airing out negative and uncomfortable emotions helps dissipate them. But why do we seem to derive pleasure from engaging in these adversity competitions? Ultimately, might they be unhealthy for us? Might they frame our work as a hardship rather than a source of accomplishment, engagement, and fulfillment? Might they reward maladaptive responses to our environments? Might they be indicative of a depleted state? Might they deepen a sense of dissatisfaction and disaffection?
I would argue yes. I would argue that engaging in these suffering contests normalizes deviant existences. Our deviant existences! Existences of too much unresolved stress, of time compression and time starvation, of increasing demands and diminishing control, and of assorted other destructive components of the modern work environment.
I would argue that it is a sign of diminished emotional and psychic energy, depersonalization, and a decreased sense of accomplishment—the central components of burnout. We are spent. We lack the energy to seek out and enjoy the many uplifts of our existence, so we focus on our stressors. We lose our empathy for what our compatriots are going through. Frankly, we probably don’t even hear them; we simply are compelled to beat them. And we are filled with cynicism and nihilism.
Training Our Brains
I might also argue that it is a byproduct of our jobs. In my mine, as a neurosurgeon, we almost never celebrate a procedure well done. Instead, we wrack our own brains for ways we could have performed the procedure better. And we are kicked into high alert for what might go wrong over the next several hours, days, weeks.
In other words, we train our minds to notice only bad stuff. To anticipate the worst. To seek and spot subtle signals of impending disasters. So that we might intervene. Catch things before they spin out of control. Great outcomes and zero complications are the goal—yes. But happy, positive indicators along the way might be false flags—red herrings—and might seduce us into letting our guards down.
The Curse of Perfection
I’m sure the same goes for many industries. Perfection is often an expectation. Glitches must, therefore, be sniffed out and countered before they crop up.
Our brains begin to ignore the good stuff going on around us and hone in on the bad, no matter how insignificant. And this is only compounded when we are exhausted and have given in to cynicism: “Of course, things went wrong. Things never go right around here.”
Shelving the Suffering Contests
But what if we were to break out of this pattern? What if we shelved the suffering contests and celebrated our victories, our uplifts, and our breaths of fresh air periodically?
We can still stay on the lookout for disaster. But might we derive a greater sense of satisfaction in our work? Might we project a happier, more optimistic persona? Might we be less of a drag to be around? Might we bolster our personal and team resilience? Might we encourage greater team esprit and collaboration? So, how can we break the mold?
Harvest Uplifts
Here’s a simple exercise. Seek out five things a day that go well in your work. Write them down. Take a look at them before you go to bed at night.
Do this for two to three weeks, and you will notice you don’t have to look for them; they will become obvious. The tenor of your days will lighten. The need to delve into your stressors will diminish.
Share Uplifts
Attitudes within a workplace are contagious. Negative or positive. Share your uplifts. An epicenter of positivity can have a remarkable effect on any work setting. And it can shift the focus and effort to more positive ends.
Go ahead and share the good stuff. Say things like, “Wow. Had a great week last week. Got home to see two of my kid’s ball games.”
Notice Successes
When we are locked in on our misery, it can be hard to spot the otherwise obvious uplifts. Help others shift their gears and see the good things that are going on around them. Congratulate them. Thank them. Be an uplift yourself. Sometimes, a smile and a pat on the back go a long way.
Acknowledge Others’ Stressors
This doesn’t mean that we turn off our disaster sensors. Or that the work becomes a lark. If a colleague wants to download their hardships, be a willing listener. But try to resist the temptation to chime in with your own. Acknowledge that their stressors are real, and you can empathize.
Focus on Responses
When discussing stressors, focus on each other’s responses to them. Wallowing in the nitty-gritty details of the stressors only serves to relive them and deepen their impact. Discuss whether the responses led to positive functional and emotional ends. Consider other possible responses that might be more adaptive.