When Terrie moved to town and joined her local parenting group, she was surprised to find so many people sharing stories of difficulties with their child’s behavior. Many of these comments came with groans of dismay and shared stories of restaurant debacles and lost TV privileges. After a few gatherings, Terrie admitted that she never had to set limits for Elizabeth, who was eight years old, and time outs were exceedingly rare.
“I guess she’s just an easy kid,” Terrie said with a shrug.
Although many of the others left that meeting that day green with envy, after they got to know Terrie and her daughter better, the truth came to light. On the playground, when Elizabeth played with children her own age, she often came across as demanding. Her peer group had to play Elizabeth’s games, and no, she wasn’t about to take turns. When Elizabeth didn’t get her way, she pouted or threw fits that made her appear far less emotionally mature than her peers. Eventually, many of the friends drifted away, although she managed to retain the friendship of a shy girl who seemed content to do anything Elizabeth wanted. Terrie was happy at least one of the girls at the school understood exactly how “special” she was.
It turned out Elizabeth appeared to be an “easy kid” because Terrie gave her everything she wanted.
Stay up past bedtime? Sure. Get a new toy from Target, even though she’d already gotten two this week? Okay. Skip out on chores, again? Of course, you can focus on being a kid and your school work, and I’ll clean up.
The Permissive Parent
Terrie has adopted what can be called the indulgent/permissive parent position. This is most typically identified by the parent’s outright and pervasive over-indulgence. The child is provided with most everything she wants and, in some cases, with everything money can buy. She is seen as “special,” prettier than other children, more likable than other children, more popular than other children, or put simply, just better all around. As such, she is deserving of special treatment. She doesn’t need to “worry her pretty little head” about insignificant things or the duties and obligations of daily life. The child is overly valued, and the relationship is characterized by excessive caretaking and attention accompanied by limited demands.
How Indulgent Parents “See” and “Treat” Their Child
The critical elements in the indulgent/permissive parent position involve the parent’s view of the child as special, and the parent’s treatment of the child, which is characterized by a lack of discipline and a general pattern of indulgence (see post one of this blog series for more on the view of the child and the treatment of the child).
The combination of this dysfunctional view of the child and this dysfunctional treatment of the child leads to a sense of entitlement. Elizabeth believes she deserves to be the one who picks the games on the playground. She believes her games are fundamentally better, and everyone else should recognize that. She has neither accepted mature limits on the self nor the realistic limits common to all healthy relationships.
Indulgence Has Important Psychological Consequences
If the grandiose or inflated view of the child does not become moderated through limit setting and frustration, the child clings to the view of themselves as better than others and comes to expect special treatment in the form of effusive caring and pampering. This type of child appears to be “spoiled,” and is ultimately emotionally immature and ill-equipped to engage in the mutuality of healthy relationships. Regardless of their presentation to the world, they are entitled.
Not all children respond to this pattern of indulgence as Elizabeth did. Some, like Terrie’s daughter, become extremely demanding and quite disagreeable in their insistence on getting their way, while others are less demanding of others but remain entitled and desirous of special treatment. Both types of children present as entitled, but the latter appears better socialized and more cooperative than the other. The former is prone to tantrums and verbal aggression, while the latter tends to beg their parents for the things they want.
Interestingly, parental indulgence can make children look more mature than they actually are for a while, especially when younger. Parents may explain that their child does not tantrum much, but that seeming strength is the result of the fact that he has not been exposed to much frustration. However, as the indulged child spends more time away from the home, real-world frustrations cannot be avoided and are poorly managed. The child, who earlier appeared to be well adjusted, throws tantrums, flings harsh words at friends, bursts into tears far too often, or acts aggressively toward others.
Indulgence and Its Contribution to Character Flaws
Indulgence comes at a cost to the child’s development. There are a number of potential areas of negative outcomes. Here’s a list of some of the most likely areas. Interestingly, all of the likely immaturities are associated with narcissism
Low Frustration tolerance: Difficulty tolerating frustration is problematic throughout life.
Poor Anger Management: Problems in controlling anger result in a kind of emotional immaturity. A problem with anger management is the adult embodiment of this childhood deficiency if the root problem remains unaddressed.
Sense of Entitlement: Expecting to get your way and being upset when that does not occur is a damning trait. Being demanding proves costs to relationships of all sorts and interferes with both intimate and more superficial ties.
“Better Than” Attitude: A sense of superiority is problematic from the get-go. It makes mature, reciprocal relationships impossible and contributes to being disliked by peers, co-workers, and mates.
Correcting Parental Indulgence and Reversing Course
It bears repeating that the right amount of warmth along with appropriate limits will help parents like Terrie steer their child back onto a good course of development.
Permissive parents can change. They can find their way back to the healthy center. They can learn to set appropriate limits, to require their child to do chores and help out, and to resist their child’s demands to get their way or be given everything they desire.
They can say “no” to a new sweatshirt and require them to wait until their birthday or Christmas. They can finish cleaning their room, even if it feels overwhelming. They can finish the semester of tap lessons without quitting early, even if it wasn’t as much fun as they thought it would be. Developing frustration tolerance and patience through age-appropriate disappointment, struggle, and longing is good for kids, a topic I discuss in my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children.
This is not always easy. Parents must work to find the right balance between frustrating and granting their child’s wishes, requiring them to wait and work for things that are desired while holding unconditional love and keeping support constant. Children must struggle to mature in healthy ways and find self-confidence in the benefit of persistence and accomplishment. Accomplishment without effort and fulfillment without investment undermine the development of the essential structures that ensure health and maturity.
*A version of this blog post was published on drmaryannlittle.com.