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It’s no secret that adult children face various challenges as they navigate life’s complexities. While some struggles are clearly visible—like career setbacks or financial difficulties—others can be more subtle, residing in the mind as persistent, negative thoughts. As I have seen in my coaching of parents and adult children, these thought patterns can keep adult children stuck in cycles of self-doubt and frustration.
For concerned parents, understanding these common negative thoughts and knowing how to offer support can make all the difference. My book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child describes how self-limiting beliefs prevent adult children from thriving. Let’s explore four prevalent self-limiting beliefs, with examples and tips on how parents can help their adult children combat them.
1. “I’m a Failure”
This thought often creeps in when life doesn’t unfold according to plan. Whether it’s losing a job, not achieving the expected career milestones, or going through a breakup, the belief that “I’m a failure” can quickly take hold. It’s a form of all-or-nothing thinking, where setbacks are seen as permanent judgments of worth rather than temporary challenges.
Example: David, 28, recently lost his job in marketing due to company downsizing. He’s struggling to find new work, and as each day passes, he becomes more convinced that he’s not cut out for his field. Despite having received praise for his skills in the past, he tells himself, “I’m a failure,” and starts withdrawing from friends and family out of shame.
Tip for Parents: Remind your adult child that setbacks are part of everyone’s journey and not a reflection of who they are. Instead of focusing on the failure itself, highlight the skills they used and the experiences they gained. Encourage them to view setbacks as stepping stones and help them set small, achievable goals to rebuild their confidence.
2. “I’m Not Good Enough”
The belief that one is inherently inadequate can manifest in various areas of life, such as career, relationships, or personal achievements. This thought can create a sense of paralyzing perfectionism, where adult children feel they’ll never measure up to expectations—whether their own or others.
Example: Selene, 26, is a graphic designer who recently launched her freelance business. While she gets positive feedback from clients, she constantly compares herself to more established designers, leading her to think, “I’m not good enough.” This thought fuels a cycle of overworking, burnout, and self-criticism.
Tip for Parents: Encourage your adult child to celebrate small wins and to acknowledge the effort they’re putting in, not just the outcome. Parents share with me the value of reinforcing the idea that growth takes time and setbacks are learning opportunities. Sharing your own experiences with self-doubt can help normalize your feelings and show that even parents have grappled with feeling “not good enough.”
3. “Things Will Never Get Better”
When adult children are in the midst of challenging times, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that the situation will never improve. This negative outlook can lead to hopelessness and a sense of resignation, where they stop trying to change their circumstances because they don’t believe it will make a difference.
Example: Jerome, 30, has been struggling with debt for several years due to student loans and unemployment. He’s been trying to pay his loans, but progress feels painfully slow. He thinks, “Things will never get better,” and starts avoiding opening his bills altogether, feeling overwhelmed.
Tip for Parents: Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation while gently challenging the idea that it’s permanent. Help your adult child create a realistic action plan with manageable steps toward improvement. Remind them that change is often incremental, and progress may come in smaller steps than they’d like, but it’s still progress. Suggest professional help, such as financial counseling or therapy, to give them additional support.
4. “I’m a Burden”
Many struggling adult children feel like a burden to their parents, particularly if they need financial or emotional support. This belief can make them reluctant to seek help or express their needs, as they fear adding stress to their parents’ lives.
Example: Nadia, 27, recently moved back in with her parents after a breakup and a job loss. She feels ashamed about needing their help at this stage in her life. When her parents offer emotional support or try to help with job applications, she pulls away, thinking, “I’m just a burden. They shouldn’t have to deal with my problems.”
Tip for Parents: Reassure your adult child that they’re not a burden and that family is about supporting each other in need. Tell them you’re proud of their efforts, even if they’re not yet seeing results. Openly discuss how you can help without making them feel dependent, such as agreeing on a timeline or setting boundaries to ensure your well-being isn’t compromised.
Final Thoughts
Parents need to recognize that these negative thoughts, while common, can powerfully impact an adult child’s mental health and overall well-being. You can help your struggling adult children develop resilience and overcome these mental traps by listening without judgment, reassuring them, and encouraging a growth mindset. Even small shifts in thinking can pave the way toward a more hopeful and empowered future.