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It’s very common to lose touch with someone you consider a friend. In a 2024 study, 90 percent of participants admitted they had let an old friendship go. Most further claimed that they weren’t sure that friend would actually like to hear from them again.
But that wasn’t the only obstacle. In two follow-up studies, the research team identified a group of about 1,000 participants altogether who were in a good spot to reach out: They had someone in mind they thought would be glad to hear from them. They wished to reconnect as well and had contact information. Surprisingly, even after being prompted by the study, only a third of this group actually reached out.
Why might that be? One possibility is that the old friend felt like a stranger, and you aren’t comfortable talking to strangers. When the team introduced an exercise that made people feel less shy about talking to a stranger, they also became more likely to reach out to the old friend.
There are many other possibilities. You might be shy in general. You might be busy and tired in your free time. You might be satisfied with your family life or feel you need to give your spouse or children more of your attention. Perhaps you are a little embarrassed by how your life has turned out. In any of those circumstances, why should you push yourself to make the effort?
Why Reaching Out to Old Friends Is Worth It
Most of us understand that strong relationships make us happier and healthier. You might think that one or two stable bonds are enough. However, research suggests that people with a bigger network tend to be happier, especially in later life.
It also helps to have a diverse network of people who live in different places, know you in different ways, or vary in age or interests. Although having a strong marriage or tie with a sibling is priceless, it’s best to be able to turn to a range of people to fill different needs. People have different strengths to offer.
A diversified friend group is like having a diversified group of mutual funds. When one goes down, the other might be going up. If Sally is overwhelmed caring for a sick husband, Karen may be newly retired and looking for fun adventures. One friend will come pick you up when your car breaks down. Another will give you a reliable tip on the best accountant.
Even when it comes to emotional support, think about what each friend is most comfortable offering. You’re better off, some research suggests, if you know that it works to talk to your calm sister Alice when you’re anxious and empathic friend Judy when you’re sad. This also works on the other end: Alice will be confident in her ability to calm you down and not feel called upon for tasks that are harder for her. Having more people in your life also means that you are less vulnerable when someone moves, or you have a conflict.
If you’re feeling short of company, old friends may connect with you more quickly than someone you’ve just met. It takes as much as 200 hours of contact to turn a new acquaintance into a close friend. Your old friend also may bring you back to a time in your life you need to remember. Candace got in touch with Sarah when Candace’s daughter turned 13, the same age Candace was when she moved away from her hometown and left Sarah and other friends behind. Connecting with her teenage self helped her connect with her daughter.
You might also consider gathering together a group of old friends. You may be surprised who shows up! This happens at school reunions and anniversary parties, but you don’t need to wait for those distant occasions. If you’re feeling excited about seeing your old camp buddies, reach out.
Don’t Assume Your Interest Isn’t Welcome
Does reaching out frighten you? It’ll probably feel less awkward than you fear and be more appreciated than you expect. In general, we underestimate how much happiness we’ll get from talking to strangers or how much people like receiving compliments and expressions of gratitude. Human beings are highly social creatures!
In one recent series of experiments, researchers found that surprise is a plus. People will greatly appreciate even a short text or cheerful GIF if it is unexpected. The most likely response is: “What a lovely surprise to hear from you! You made my week.”
If your old friend was especially helpful to you, even long ago, consider writing a note expressing gratitude. This is a powerful way to boost your own happiness and is likely to be met warmly.
It’s possible that the two of you have grown apart in a key way or don’t feel able to put energy into bridging any gaps. But it’s not necessary to become best buddies again overnight. Keep it up in a casual way, and you might find that things build over time.
When Sharon’s mother died, for example, she called Teresa, a friend from junior high, out of the blue. Teresa remembered Sharon’s mother and was honored and touched. They were in touch off and on for years but became closer when Sharon’s family responsibilities eased up and Teresa moved back to their old hometown.
One of you might be married and the other single. One of you may be well off, and the other may be less so. You might disagree about politics. If you knew each other before any of this was important, it’s possible you can go back to that original bond. You may both feel more alive as you get back to the basics: humor, good cheer, empathy, and caring.