Amy couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling that she just wasn’t good enough. Her feelings of inadequacy were made worse following a number of dysfunctional relationships, in which she’d been controlled, cheated on, and ultimately rejected. In general, though, she felt she wasn’t good enough, not only for her romantic partners, but also for her parents, family, friends, and even her employers.
Not good enough
Feeling like we’re “not enough” or “not good enough” is a negative mental attitude or mindset. It involves negative self-talk that is underpinned by deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and insecurity across different aspects of our lives. At its core, feeling not good enough boils down to a struggle with self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness, a belief that we don’t deserve love, family, friendships, and success in our lives. For some individuals, these feelings can be painful and persistent, causing serious emotional distress. In severe cases, they can lead to an inferiority complex or imposter syndrome in which the person feels like they’re a “fraud,” and this will somehow be “found out” by friends and colleagues.
A sense of not being good enough also involves the feeling that we’re somehow inferior to others. In this digital age, social media is often labeled as a “highlight reel,” only showing us a person’s best moments, success stories, and victories, but not telling their whole story, warts and all. Nevertheless, social media can trigger these negative feelings, driving us to be self-critical and to make unhealthy and unfair comparisons of ourselves to others. Chronic feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth can make people highly sensitive to being judged by others and lead them to withdraw from social or competitive situations.
Root causes of inadequacy
Feeling “not good enough” is based on issues that are often deep-rooted. These may stem from previous rejection, failure, criticism, shame, neglect, or childhood trauma. Feelings of inadequacy are especially common in survivors of narcissistic abuse, leading to a type of trauma that can greatly impact individuals throughout their lives. (Reyna, 2024) This mindset can also lead to fawning and people-pleasing behaviors, in which sufferers constantly seek external validation from others. It’s important to note that these feelings are learned, and this is a conditioned behavior. For those who chronically feel that they’re not good enough, they’ve been made to feel that way by others.
Feeling not good enough can also reveal perfectionist tendencies, such as when we set unreasonable standards for ourselves and react with self-criticism whenever we fall below these standards. (Overholser and Dimaggio, 2020) Not feeling good enough obviously isn’t a clinical diagnosis or disorder, although this mindset is linked to various mental health conditions. It can be a symptom of anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or various personality disorders.
Overcoming negative feelings
It can be extremely difficult to deal with the feeling of not being good enough. One of the best techniques is to recognize these negative thoughts when they arise and learn to challenge them. We should stop comparing ourselves to and competing with others, treat ourselves with kindness and self-compassion, and focus on our good qualities and strengths. To boost their self-esteem and overcome self-doubt, some people have success countering their negative self-talk with positive self-talk, using phrases such as, “I am good enough” and “I deserve to be happy.” It can also be helpful to spend time with friends who are encouraging and supportive rather than those who fuel the feelings.
As always, seeking therapy can be beneficial to overcome these negative feelings, learn emotional control skills, and develop a healthier mindset.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.