
I’ve posted my definition of emotional abuse in the past. I’m repeating it now because I’m continually asked for it by media, clients, and readers.
Emotional abuse is deliberately making loved ones feel afraid or bad about themselves so they will do what the abuser wants or as punishment for not doing what the abuser wants.
We have enormous power over the well-being of loved ones. With that power comes responsibility to protect and nurture. Abusers violate their responsibility and their humane values, due to resentment, entitlement, and addiction to blame. When resentment, entitlement, and addiction to blame persist, emotional abuse is inevitable.
I started my career working with domestic violence perpetrators and victims, probably because I grew up in a violent home. After a decade or so, I switched to emotional abuse for two reasons. The first is prevention. Domestic Violence (DV) is almost always preceded by emotional abuse. If we can stop that, we can prevent violence. The second reason might be a surprise. All the victims of DV whom I worked with insisted that emotional abuse was worse than the physical harm they suffered.
Except for the most extreme cases, violence in families tends to occur occasionally, in predictable cycles. Emotional abuse typically happens every day. When someone hits you, it’s easier to see that that person has a problem, at least with impulse control. But when they tear you down emotionally, undermine your confidence, and devalue your thoughts and feelings, you’re more likely to think, erroneously, that it’s your fault.
Emotional abuse is more difficult to treat because it lacks the legal constraints and consequences of domestic violence. (Emotional abuse is illegal in California, but extremely difficult to prove.) Treatment goes wrong when therapists overemphasize putting out the flame of abuse. An analogy to keep in mind when trying to end emotional abuse is:
Inequality is the spark. Blame is the fuel. Abuse is the flame.
Attempting to put out the flame without turning off the fuel and extinguishing the spark is dangerous. To end emotional abuse, we must first demonstrate the considerable advantages of equality in relationships:
- Higher self-esteem
- Higher self-value
- Relationship harmony
- Positive parental modeling.
A Self-Esteem Trap: Downward Comparisons
We’ve all done it in small ways, dealt with the guilt of moral lapses by making downward comparisons. We do it by comparing ourselves to those whose behavior is worse than our own:
“So, I took a questionable deduction on my taxes, most people cheat a lot more.”
We also do it by blaming the victim.
“Why should I give him money; it’s probably his own fault he’s homeless.
Examples I’ve heard many dozens of times from emotional abusers:
“I’m not an alcoholic, don’t cheat on you or beat you, like most partners.”
“If you’d be more cooperative and pleasant, I wouldn’t yell or put you down.”
These are insidious illusions because they justify and reinforce behavior that violates humane values. What we justify, we’re likely to repeat.
Self-Value and Upward Comparisons
Self-value is more behavioral than self-esteem; it rises and falls based on how you treat yourself. For instance, taking care of your physical and mental health and avoiding guilt and shame by doing the right thing.
“I want to be fair, compassionate, supportive, like a lot of partners.”
Harmony and Modeling
Relationship harmony and positive parental modeling are impossible in families afflicted with emotional abuse. Abusers must understand that the continual suppression of their partners and the power struggles that go with it are bad for their physical and mental health, just as relationship harmony, built on respect and value, is good for their mental and physical health. They must understand that their children learn acceptable behavior in relationships by watching them. Children in emotionally abusive families are likely to repeat the cycle in their adult relationships.
Antidote to Entitlement: Equality
Entitlement masks low self-value. When we feel good about ourselves. it doesn’t occur to us to feel superior or inferior to anyone. It’s when self-value is low that we regard ourselves as superior or inferior. Genuine self-value is based on equality. We’re neither superior nor inferior to anyone. An endless enhancement of self-value comes from regarding everyone with dignity and respect.
Precursor of Abuse: Blame
Abusers are blame junkies; when they feel uncomfortable or disappointed, they automatically look for someone to blame.
Blame stimulates adrenaline, which has amphetamine effects:
- A surge of energy and confidence (followed by a crash).
- Tolerance – you need higher doses to get acceptable levels of energy and confidence.
- Withdrawal symptoms: anxiety, worry, low energy, confusion, listlessness, self-doubt, depression, resentment.
Recovery
Successful treatment must replace the habit of blaming with attempts to improve situations. Improving becomes a habit through practice — recalling incidents of discomfort or disappointment and thinking:
“How can I make this a little better?”
Processing the question activates the reflective brain and reduces the dominance of the habit-prone autopilot brain.
Remorse vs. Compassion
Too many victims succumb to abusers displaying remorse. Indeed, remorse is a pivotable element in the classic cycle of abuse:
Tension-abuse-remorse-renewed connection-tension-abuse-remorse….
Remorse practically ensures more hurt. The brain treats shame in the form of remorseful memories as something to hide (from ourselves and others), not as a deterrent of future behavior. I urge victims to look for compassion from their partners, not remorse. Remorse is easy to fake. When it’s sincere, it shows how bad the abuser feels. Compassion is focused on helping the victim recover. Remorse comes after offenses; compassion prevents them.
Remorse is so dysphoric that remorseful partners tend to give up too soon trying to make amends. Recovery requires a long period of safety and gradual reconnection. Victims of emotional abuse who are hesitant to move forward (and that’s most of them) are not living in the past; their concern is about the future. Abusers must reassure their partners with compassionate and supportive behavior over time.
Recovery is a slow process. When it moves too fast, it’s likely to fall apart under stress.