As parents, we all want our kids to succeed. Further, we have a basic need to protect our children, teens, and young adults from physical, social, behavioral, and emotional harm. In most cases, this impulse is a sign of love.
But since the mid-1980s, there has been an increasing tendency to micromanage our kids, intervene in most areas of their lives, and, when taken to the extreme, to smother them. So-called helicopter parenting has become increasingly common.
Helicopter parenting, referring to the “hovering” over kids, teens, and young adults, has several causes. The first motive is based on caring, not unlike our drive to nurture our infants. But there are other forces that drive parents to micromanage or kids.
None of us is immune to the world we live in, and one part of our societal ethos is a toxic achievement culture. Contributions to this value system include the impact of social media (making comparisons with those who appear to have achieved great things); educational trends that have increasingly focused on extraordinarily high standards for academics, community service, immersion in extra-curricular activities, sports, internships, and more; and parenting norms themselves, often fueled by keeping up with or exceeding peer parents.
Hyper-parenting may well be an outgrowth of this toxic culture. But it may arise from excessive worry about “extreme consequences” of hardship their kids endure, such as academic failure or social rejection, and more. If the reaction is purely empathic, there are ways to ameliorate unhappiness and struggle. But some of these parents over-identify with their kids, and feel unbearable pain, and it’s not simply an empathic reaction. It may come from the parent’s own anxiety, or deficiencies in their upbringing, from their perceived failures or lack of help and support. They overcompensate for their own insecure feelings of inadequacy, and this is often imposed on their kids. Let’s say it is projection or projective identification in the service of love.
On the other hand, and in the worst-case scenario, the micromanaging and pressure for achievement may not be motivated so much by what is best for the child, but by what puts the parents in a strong light. It’s their image, and how the child’s success reflects on them, that is the driving force. Despite their love, the child is a pawn in this game of achievement.
The Rise in Perfectionism
An outgrowth of a dangerous combination of the toxic achievement culture and helicopter parenting is a rise in perfectionism in our kids, teens, and young adults.
Research has shown that perfectionism has consistently and steadily increased. Perfectionism may be socially prescribed (by the toxic achievement culture); other-oriented (making comparisons, which is both facilitated by and strengthened by overuse and dependency on social media); and ultimately self-oriented, when the “necessity” for being perfect, never making mistakes—and feeling devastated if one screws up or fails—takes a serious toll on our youth. The increasing rates of depression, anxiety, stress, loneliness, and suicidal behavior may, in part, derive from this socially parallel trend.
However, the kids who maintain emotional and behavioral stability within this culture are those who have developed a sense of self in which their development is grounded in who they are—that they are loved and appreciated for themselves, and that regardless of success or failures, they are loved, respected, and valued for themselves and not for what they have achieved. This is largely the result of having developed secure attachments to parents or caregivers from early childhood through adult life. What is also conveyed to them is that “we succeed by our failures.” If we succeeded all the time, there would be no opportunities to learn, and indeed, we learn the most, as parents, teachers, therapists, and adults, from when we screw up and have the ability to modify our behavior.
The Dangers and Adverse Consequences of Helicopter Parenting
One thing is certain. Micromanaging youth commonly backfires. Even if a child becomes excessively perfectionistic and seemingly responds to hyper-parenting, it takes a significant emotional, cognitive, and behavioral toll.
Here are a few of the negative outcomes of helicopter parenting:
- Increases in anxiety and depression
- Low self-esteem, particularly in the face of perceived failure
- Poor coping skills, especially in the face of adversity
- Self-image that is grounded on achievement and/or pleasing parents and caregivers
- Inadequate life skills: Poor independent problem-solving, lack of independence and autonomy, inability to separate from parents, deficient ability to stand up for oneself, such as in a conflict with a peer or other adult
- Low self-confidence
- Excessive reliance on others, especially other adults, rather than learning to be self-sufficient
- Danger of emerging burnout, defined as emotional exhaustion, detachment, and feelings of isolation and worthlessness. Burnout is commonly manifested by poor self-care, diminished empathy, impaired decision-making, and poor physical health. It has largely been defined by adults in workplace environments, but has been applied to teens and young adults.
What Parents Can Do for Themselves and Their Kids
Hopefully, we do not get lost in our mission to help our kids and fail to observe, understand, and correct our own behavior. Here are some tips for parents to correct their actions and better connect with their kids:
- If anxious, as the flight attendant says, “put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help the person next to you.” Take care of and quell your own anxiety, and you will be far more able to help your child (as well as change your behavior).
- Take care of yourself: use ways to calm yourself down, through good diet, exercise, getting restful sleep, meditation, yoga, and finding ways to calm yourself down.
- Critically evaluate your parenting style: For this, you may need observers, such as partners, parents, friends, and others in the community who know you and your family. Try not to be defensive, but open to constructive feedback even if critical.
- Make a plan to change: Think about the ways you can back off, and keep track of your changes.
- Apologize for intrusive behavior: Kids, as we all do, respond extremely positively to apologies and making reparations. If you are hovering, make amends to your kids
- Get feedback from your kids: If they know your intentions are good and trust that you are trying to parent them and give them what they need, they will often be grateful for the chance to give you advice.
- Engage in collaborative problem-solving: Moving forward, work with your kids and get involved if and when they want and need it. This is a team sport!
- Have frequent conversations: Remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Have many discussions with those around you, with those from whom you have received feedback, and with your kids. Try to keep track of where you are in the process of change.
- Work with your kids and family to diminish the power of the achievement culture: We can all see the culture of hyper-achievement and perfectionism. It’s all around us—on TV, in movies and series, and on our social media. Watch and discuss these toxic forces together, and discuss what is healthy or destructive
- Learn to tolerate your kids’ failures: For this, you need other supportive adults, including partners, family, friends, or even professional help for parent guidance.
Bucking a pervasive toxic social movement is not easy, but we and our kids can overcome it if we work together and never worry alone.
A version of this post appears on the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at the Massachusetts General Hospital.
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