Family estrangement, the cutting off or distancing of family members from one another, is increasingly recognized as a significant social phenomenon in the U.S. While the causes and forms of estrangement are diverse, a subtype known as parental alienation (PA) exists in which one parent deliberately manipulates a child to unjustifiably reject or fear the other parent, often during high-conflict divorce proceedings or custody battles.
Brought about through manipulation and misinformation, PA differs from from other forms of estrangement in being unjustified and not self-determined. In PA, the child is unaware that the estrangement from one parent is due to an outside force, most frequently the other parent. The child’s rejection of a parent stems from active manipulation by the other parent.
The Lived Experience of How Alienation Unfolds
PA exists as a form of familial undue influence, and as a specialist in cults and cult-like relationships, it is interest to me because undue influence is the same phenomenon that characterizes cults. As with undue influence in cults, a child’s reality and autonomy are manipulated in PA.. Instead of an outside leader, it’s a parent who becomes the agent of control.
PA pressures a child to falsely believe things and take actions that are not in their best interest. This is the very definition of undue influence: One person inappropriately uses influence to impose on someone’s free will, especially in situations involving power balance. Children have legal rights to safe relationships with loving parents, and it is certainly not in a child’s best interests to be cut off or be estranged from a loving, supportive parent.
Children of PA are often told by one parent that the other is dangerous, unloving, and abusive. The result is a loyalty conflict and gradual detachment from the targeted parent. The alienating parent may utilize a variety of strategies, from overt denigration of the targeted parent to more insidious forms of control such as withholding letters or presents and severely limiting visitation. The alienating parent may elicit the child’s sympathy through fabricated tales of victimization. The child then internalizes the distorted reality.
As described by Dr. Amy Baker, who interviewed dozens of adult children for her book Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind, the realization of alienation rarely comes as a sudden epiphany. Instead, it is typically a slow, often agonizing process of rethinking one’s past, frequently triggered by life milestones, therapy, or witnessing similar dynamics in one’s relationships.
The Lasting Impact of Relational Wounds
The consequences of PA are profound and often life-long. Adult children report chronic low self-esteem, difficulties with trust, depression, and even substance abuse. Many find themselves repeating relational patterns, becoming alienated from their own children, or struggling to form healthy adult attachments. A common thread is guilt for having rejected a loving parent and shame for having been “fooled” or manipulated by the alienating parent.
This internalization of guilt is compounded by the reality that children, to preserve their primary bond with the alienating parent, must often suppress their true feelings for the targeted parent. “Submission to the alienating parent’s reality was the price of admission into that relationship,” Baker explains, “and they paid that price, as most children do, without questioning.” Many adult children grieve not only the lost parent but also lost parts of themselves.
How Adult Children Realize They Were Alienated
First, it is crucial to understand that several persistent myths obscure understanding and support for those affected by PA, and the fallacious beliefs often prevent reunion.
While Baker found that that mothers more frequently alienate children than fathers do, PA can be perpetrated by either parent, regardless of gender or custodial status.
Further, PA can happen in intact or divorced families. In intact families, one parent may systematically undermines the child’s relationship with the other, often using triangulation and emotional enmeshment. I have seen PA occur when one parent chooses to leave a high-control religion and the other wishes to stay.
Finally, it is untrue and unfair to assume that alienated parents must have done something to deserve rejection. Society often assumes that an estranged parent must have been abusive or neglectful. In reality, many targeted parents are loving and safe.
Adult children often have to break down several of these myths on the path to reconnection. The journey is highly individual, but research and lived experience point to several common catalysts among alienated adult children.
As children grow into adulthood and gain physical and emotional distance from the alienating parent, they are better able to question narratives foisted upon them and to recall positive memories of the targeted parent. Many adult children begin to suspect PA only after entering therapy for unrelated issues, such as depression or anxiety, or discovering patterns of emotional manipulation in their childhood.
Sometimes, extended family members, romantic partners, or even the alienated parent may reach out with alternative perspectives. Some realize the truth of their experience only when they become parents themselves, or when the alienating parent turns their hostility onto them.
The Journey Is Long, but the Reward Is Great
The process of healing from PA is not linear. Parental alienation is, at its core, a severe and profound form of psychological abuse. Adult children and their parents are often left to grapple with anger, regret, and a profound sense of loss. Many adult children have lost 20 or more years with their alienated parent and must grapple with the realization of what should have been.
Critical to the process of healing is releasing feelings of shame and self-blame. Reconnection often starts with a willingness to consider another side of the story, to approach the targeted parent as an adult. It requires accepting that the past cannot be rewritten, but the future can be different.