When someone you love has borderline personality disorder (BPD), life can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, things seem fine, and the next, you’re seeing intense emotions and angry outbursts. You may be dysregulated and saying things in frustration that only make the situation worse.
The good news? Learning specific skills can make a real difference. Research shows that when families understand BPD and use effective communication strategies, relationships improve and recovery becomes more possible.
Borderline Personality Disorder: A Brief Summary
BPD is a mental health condition that affects how someone experiences emotions, relationships, and their sense of self. It is characterized by:
- Intense emotions that change quickly
- Fear of being abandoned or rejected
- Unstable relationships
- Impulsive behaviors
- Difficulty knowing who they are
- Feelings of emptiness.
These signs aren’t chosen behaviors or manipulation. They come from real differences in how the brain processes emotions and stress (e.g. NIMH). Knowing what behaviors are symptoms of the disorder can help you be more compassionate and respond more effectively.
Consider the behaviors that bother or upset you about your loved one. Write them down. Do they fit in any of the categories above? Now consider the skills below. Which might be most helpful in each situation?
Skill #1: Validation (The Most Powerful Tool You Have)
Validation means showing someone that their feelings make sense, even if you don’t agree with their reaction. It’s key to helping someone with BPD. Feeling understood is like the brain’s brake on intensity and impulsivity. It lowers the emotional intensity so problem-solving can occur. Don’t try to problem solve until both of you are calm.
What validation sounds like:
- “I can see why you’d feel hurt by that.”
- “Of course, your feelings make sense given what happened.”
What validation does NOT mean:
- Agreeing with everything they say
- Accepting abusive behavior
- Pretending problems don’t exist
- Giving up your own feelings.
Why it works: People with BPD often grew up in environments where their emotions were dismissed or criticized, often because the intensity was so high that families didn’t know how to respond. They may have resorted to “You’re over-reacting,” or “It’s not that bad,” or something similar. That often leads to the individual with BPD becoming dysregulated. When you validate their feelings, you help calm their emotional system.
Practice tip: Before responding to an emotional outburst, ask yourself: “What feeling are they trying to express?” Then acknowledge that feeling first, before addressing any problems.
Skill #2: STOP Skill
When emotions escalate quickly, use the behavioral technique called STOP to prevent making things worse:
S – Stop: Don’t react immediately. Pause and take a breath.
T – Take a step back: Physically or mentally create space. You might say, “I need a five-minute break.”
O – Observe: Notice what’s happening without judgment. What are they feeling? What are you feeling?
P – Proceed mindfully: Choose a response based on what will help, not on what your emotions are pushing you to do.
Why it works: Reacting emotionally to emotional behavior creates a negative cycle. STOP helps you respond with your thinking brain instead of your emotional brain.
Skill #3: Opposite-to-Emotion Action
When your instinct is to pull away from your loved one because you’re frustrated, do the opposite and move closer with compassion. When you want to argue back, try curiosity instead.
Examples:
- Your instinct: Criticize them for overreacting
- Opposite action: Say “Help me understand what triggered this feeling”
Choose actions based on your values (like being a supportive family member) rather than on temporary emotions (like anger or frustration).
Skill #4: Setting Healthy Boundaries
People with BPD actually feel safer when boundaries are clear and consistent.
How to set effective boundaries:
- Be specific: Not “Stop being so needy,” but “I can talk for 30 minutes after dinner each night.”
- Explain your why: “I need alone time to recharge so I can be present with you.”
- State consequences calmly: “I need to leave the room for about 30 minutes so we can both be calm and find a solution.”
- Follow through: If you don’t enforce boundaries, you teach that boundaries don’t matter.
- Stay calm: Present boundaries as facts, not as punishments.
Example: “I love you and want to support you. I can’t answer texts while I’m driving because it’s not safe. I’ll respond as soon as I park.”
Skill #5: The DEAR MAN Skill (For Important Conversations)
Use DEAR MAN, a technique borrowed from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), when you need to ask for something or to say no:
D – Describe the situation using facts only.
E – Express your feelings and opinions.
A – Assert what you want clearly.
R – Reinforce the positive outcome.
M – Stay mindful (don’t get distracted).
A – Appear confident (even if you don’t feel it).
N – Negotiate if needed.
Example: “When you call me multiple times at work (describe), I feel stressed and worried about losing my job (express). I need you to limit calls to one per day unless it’s an emergency (assert). This will help me be more relaxed and present when we talk in the evening (reinforce).”
Skill #6: Distress Tolerance for You
Supporting someone with BPD is stressful. You need skills to manage your own emotions:
TIPP for immediate calm:
- T – Temperature: Splash cold water on your face.
- I – Intense exercise: Do jumping jacks or go for a fast walk.
- P – Paced breathing: Breathe in for a count of 4, out for 6.
- P – Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and release muscle groups.
Self-soothe with your five senses:
- Light a candle (smell).
- Listen to calming music (hearing).
- Hold ice cubes (touch).
- Look at photos of peaceful places (sight).
- Drink tea (taste).
Skill #7: Avoiding Common Traps
Don’t:
- Try to fix all their problems.
- Take responsibility for their emotions.
- Walk on eggshells to prevent any upset.
- Threaten to leave during arguments.
- Bring up past issues during current conflicts.
Do:
- Support them in finding their own solutions.
- Show compassion while maintaining boundaries.
- Accept that some upset is normal and okay.
- Reassure your commitment when appropriate.
- Stay focused on one issue at a time.
Skill #8: Radical Acceptance
Some things you cannot change. Your loved one has BPD, and that’s their reality right now. Fighting against this reality creates suffering for everyone.
Radical acceptance means:
- Accepting what is, without approving of it.
- Letting go of bitterness about “why them” or “why us”.
- Focusing energy on what you can control.
- Acknowledging that recovery is possible but takes time.
This does NOT mean:
- Giving up on improvement.
- Accepting abusive treatment.
- Pretending everything is fine.
When to Seek Additional Help
You should reach out to a professional if:
- Your loved one threatens or attempts suicide.
- Violence occurs in the relationship.
- Your own mental health is suffering significantly.
- You feel completely overwhelmed despite using these skills.
- You want to support your loved one by learning more skills for yourself.
The Path Forward
These skills take practice, and you won’t use them perfectly every time. That’s okay. Progress, not perfection, is the goal. The more you practice them, the greater the benefit. You might find the Family Connections program an excellent resource.
Remember that your loved one is more than their diagnosis. They have strengths, dreams, and the capacity to recover. With proper treatment, many people with BPD see significant improvement in their symptoms.
Your support matters immensely, but you also matter. Use these skills not just to help your loved one but to protect your own well-being, too.