Who actually wants to work on a marriage after a full day of… work?
I don’t. And that’s exactly why I stopped.
Rewind the clock 15 years. When an event planner gave us a truly ridiculous quote for a small wedding, my partner and I booked a flight to Las Vegas the very next day. We were married before noon at the Little Chapel of Flowers. No drama. No chair covers. Just vows and relief. It was a very good day.
I’m a romantic, but I’m also a pragmatist. We decided to skip the big wedding and promised ourselves a blowout party if we made it to 20 years. We’re at 15 and holding strong.
Over these 15 years of marriage, and more than 25 years as a therapist, I’ve come to deeply respect the brilliance of Mother Nature. When we “hit it off” with someone and fall in love, we’re usually operating in a state called limerence. I affectionately refer to this as the carnival-and-cotton-candy phase, when your partner can do no wrong, your brain is bathed in feel-good chemicals, and life feels sparkly.
It’s euphoric. Enthusiastic. Slightly intoxicating.
Without this drug-like state, the human race would probably stop reproducing. Nature knew what she was doing.
But if you stay together long enough, limerence ends. Trust me: It ends. And if it doesn’t end on its own, add a couple of kids and a shared mortgage and wave goodbye to Mr. Limerence entirely.
In the early days of dating the man who is now my husband, I would occasionally share a story about something going wrong at work. He would instantly jump in and say, “Oh no! Don’t beat yourself up. You’re amazing.”
Today, when I share those same nuggets, he gives me a playful grin and says, “Welllll… Rome wasn’t built in a day. You’ve got to keep working on yourself.”
Same man. Different neurochemistry. He cares for me deeply. He simply isn’t doing it while floating on a cloud any longer.
We laugh about it now—our pre- and post-limerence relationship. And here’s what I’ve learned: in many ways, a marriage truly begins when limerence ends. That’s when you find out what the relationship is actually made of.
This is usually when people start saying things like, “We need to work on our marriage.”
Feelings that once flowed effortlessly now feel… effortful. According to the Institute for Family Studies, about 28 percent of married couples report that at some point, their marriage reached a stage where it required intentional work.
And by the way, a marriage is defined by the two people in it and not what you see posted on social media or read in romance novels. That’s why they call it fiction.
The issue isn’t that relationships need care. They do. The problem is the word work.
“Work” evokes fatigue before you’ve even started. It sounds corrective. Heavy. Like another performance review.
When couples come to me asking for help, I gently invite them to stop working on the marriage, and instead, focus on building connection. Because when connection erodes, tension fills the space. Careers, kids, schedules, and stress slowly chip away at closeness. Some couples rush toward a date-night rescue, only to leave feeling more disappointed than before. Without ongoing connection, date night doesn’t heal the gap. It highlights it.
Wherever you are in your relationship—best friends wanting deeper intimacy or partners feeling awkward and disconnected—here are five practical, human ways to cultivate connection and goodwill.
1. Reach Out and Touch Someone (Yes, Your Partner). Physical touch, not just sex (though sex is great), is to relationships what water is to plants. Small gestures matter: hugs, kisses, playful taps, sitting close on the couch, holding hands on a walk.
Some couples tell me, “We’ve gone so long without touching, I don’t even know where to start.” Start by naming it. Acknowledge that touch has been missing, agree that it matters, and invite it back in. Pro tip: hold hands while you talk about it.
2. Ritualize Connection. Remember, I’m a pragmatist. One of my favorite daily rituals with my partner is morning and evening coffee conversations. We talk about politics, life, and all the ridiculous things.
What you talk about doesn’t matter. That you show up consistently does. Rituals turn connection into something dependable rather than optional.
3. Do Small Favors With Big Impact. Look for ways to make your partner’s life easier. Take care of the tasks they quietly dread. Ask, “Is there anything I can do for you today?”
Acts of service communicate, I see you. I’ve got you. And that builds goodwill faster than grand gestures ever will.
4. Move Forward—Stop Measuring Against the Past. Leaving limerence doesn’t mean love, romance, or adventure are over—it means they’re evolving. In my book Joy Shows Up, I write: “Many a person has lost a brightly lit future because of the insistence on gripping the past.”
Relationships change. That’s reality. Let go of how it used to feel and lean into what’s possible now.
5. Lighten Up, Pal Around, and Laugh More. Choose complaints wisely. No one feels drawn toward chronic criticism. Let more go. Laugh more. Be teammates instead of auditors.
Joy is magnetic. Humor restores connection faster than correction ever could.
Connection isn’t a one-time fix; it’s cultivated through constant renewal. We are human beings, not Disney characters, living inside real partnerships.
Here’s to building relationships that feel lighter, warmer, and far more sustainable, without clocking overtime.