Ava was only 13, but she could tell the second her dad stopped taking his medication. His lips twitched more. He made eye contact less. He developed an intense preoccupation with everything in the mail.
When she saw these signs, she knew to run immediately to the medicine cabinet. She would count the pills and compare them to how many days had passed on the calendar.
Ava had learned to take on more responsibility than a young child should have to.
In the coming years, she started staying out late with friends, drinking alcohol and trying other substances to “let loose and have fun.” She did not yet realize what she really wanted was to numb her pain. She began skipping school, her grades slipped, and she was quickly labeled as a bad student and troubled child. Thankfully, a school counselor recognized her behaviors had stemmed from childhood trauma and referred her to me for further support.
The Trauma of Having a Parent With Untreated Mental Illness
When a caregiver has a severe or untreated mental illness, the home environment is also chaotic and confusing for the children who grow up in it. Parents will cycle through periods of wellness and instability, and their children will notice when they have their stable parent back: Dad can once again follow along with conversations, help with homework, and do things that other dads do.
Until they can’t. They have another break or episode, and from one day to the next, Dad’s speech is suddenly pressured and clipped; hair and clothing seem unkept; the house is dark and doors are locked. The unreliable and unstable parent has returned, leaving the child, once again, on their own. And the cycle continues.
Parents that I meet in my work who are struggling with either substance abuse, untreated mental illness, or both, often try to keep those struggles hidden from their children. But the signs of instability are impossible to hide and children grow up witnessing and experiencing this unpredictability and chaos, leaving them with a higher chance of developing anxiety and other disorders as an adult.
Impact of Growing Up in This Environment
Untreated mental illness in a parent or caregiver can be confusing and frightening for children, who often feel a strong responsibility to “take over,” fearing no one else will care for and protect their family. This over-responsibility often follows them well into adulthood. Without understanding what’s happening, kids may interpret their parents’ mood swings or behavioral changes as their fault, leading to fear and anxiety. They may be hard-working high-achievers, but struggle to meet their own needs while always worrying about others, even at their own expense.
Together, Ava and I worked on shedding the labels that had fallen upon her: “troubled child, ”bad influence,” and “druggie,” among others. Over time, she learned to accept that what happened in her life was not her fault. But, nor was it necessarily her father’s. He never asked for such an affliction and the impacts of his behavior were not out of malice. She understood that she could acknowledge both statements as true: Her father’s actions were unintentional and his life undoubtedly hard, but his behavior was still scary or traumatic to the person who depended on him for care and support.
Reducing Stigma and Providing Support for Survivors Can Help Reduce Impacts
Reducing stigma about mental illness can make space for early and consistent intervention, as well as assist with providing stronger support systems for individuals and families coping with mental illness. Had Ava’s father felt comfortable opening up about his mental health struggles with his providers and extended family, perhaps he could have received the help he needed sooner. This may have helped with creating a more stable and supportive environment for both himself and his daughter.
It is common for the act of revisiting childhood memories to be painful or difficult, and there is no shame in seeking therapy or additional support if it brings up difficult feelings. Search Psychology Today for a therapist who specializes in family dynamics and childhood trauma.
Excerpted, in part, from my book Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing from Childhood Family Trauma.