Our beliefs about what we and others deserve have the potential to empower us, but they can also lead to discouragement and isolation.
For example, research shows that our belief in a just world, or seeing the world as a predictable place where people get what they deserve, can hurt self-esteem in the face of uncontrollable negative events, such as losing a job you worked hard for because the company hit a financial hurdle beyond your control.
How we interpret deservingness can contribute to negative thinking about oneself and others, such as feeling angry toward the company for deserting you or feeling sad that you might not have had what it took to be among the more valued employees who were kept on board.
Deservingness beliefs can also encourage us to seek closure, even if in a self-defeating way. For example, people who experience fear of missing out (FOMO) tend to make more social comparisons on social media, which can fuel uncertainty about whether they are good enough. In this case, overthinking about deservingness can lead to falsely concluding that the reason you missed out on a social event was because you weren’t likable enough to be invited.
Looking deeper into their deservingness beliefs has helped some of my clients realize they were being taken advantage of by others. But in other cases, it has held them back from leaving toxic relationships when they felt that they didn’t deserve better, or they believed that the other person didn’t deserve to be rejected by them.
Deservingness creates an inner compass for making decisions about when to accept life circumstances and when to advocate for better, but understanding where to draw the line can be challenging.
Understanding the different ways deservingness influences our mood and well-being can help us frame how we think about it in a way that is inspiring and informative rather than harmful. I refer to these different presentations as the four faces of deservingness: (1) I don’t deserve positive outcomes; (2) I deserve positive outcomes I didn’t receive; (3) Others don’t deserve positive outcomes; (4) Others deserve better outcomes than what they received.
1. The face of poor self-esteem: I don’t deserve positive outcomes.
According to one study, 20 percent of 490 depressed patients said they did not deserve, or were unsure if they deserved, to feel better. Another study explored attitudes of individuals on the autism spectrum who were victims of interpersonal violence. Many participants thought it was normal to be hurt by others and believed they had to hide their autistic characteristics to stay safe.
In these cases, deservingness beliefs go hand in hand with low self-esteem.
One way to reframe the face of low self-esteem is by connecting with others. Doing so can help you realize that people are facing the same life struggles but might not be talking about them. As an example of the power of connection, research shows that group psychotherapy interventions focused on self-validation, compassion, and acceptance can improve patients’ self-esteem.
2. The face of disappointment: I deserve positive outcomes I didn’t receive.
This face of deservingness operates as if there is an omniscient arbiter who doles out rewards based on whichever metric, such as effort, they associate with deserving positive outcomes.
However, the qualities people believe will lead to commensurate rewards might not be the only factors that are important for success.
For example, one study that examined gender differences in undergraduate business students in the United Kingdom found that while women reported stronger organizational and planning skills, they didn’t prioritize attending networking events as much as male students due to having less perceived self-confidence in their oral communication skills. The study’s authors concluded that interventions could be used to boost female students’ self-confidence in oral communication and social group activities.
Not getting a positive outcome one deserves may also be the result of social justice issues, such as sexism, or another misfortune beyond one’s control, such as illness. Still, I encourage clients to interact with peers and try to understand whether they are facing similar obstacles. Doing so can help you learn which factors are within your control, such as strengthening skills that are important for success in a particular field.
3. The face of envy: Others don’t deserve positive outcomes.
Believing that others don’t deserve what they received can be particularly painful if what they got was the same thing that you desire. An example of this might be being passed up for a promotion that is given to someone with less experience. This could lead to negative thoughts and feelings, such as envy.
In this case, it might be helpful to share your feelings of envy with a trusted friend and seek a mentor who can guide you in finding another way to achieve your goal.
It might feel tempting to gossip about a person you envy behind their back, but interacting with them and learning from them is likely to be more helpful in getting you closer to what you want.
There is also the face of schadenfreude, or pleasure over others’ misfortune, but that is beyond the scope of this post.
4. The face of compassion: Others deserve better outcomes.
This face of deservingness can be healthy because it might help you advocate for people in need. However, even this sentiment can be taken too far in certain contexts.
For example, when my clients wish to end unhealthy relationships, their anxiety, fueled by deservingness thoughts, can lead them to doubt whether the other person deserves anything less than their unconditional kindness.
Rather, it is healthier to perceive the situation holistically and flexibly, such as realizing that everyone will benefit more from friendships that are mutually enjoyed. At the same time, there are other ways to distance yourself without completely cutting off ties.
Reframing extreme thinking surrounding deservingness in healthy ways requires us to examine situations with flexibility and compassion for oneself and others.