This Halloween season may be a good time to check out your haunts, so to speak, and see whether you have a “haunting” ex. That’s the term being used on social media for when a significant other from the past is still playing too big a role in your present. And getting such a haunting ex out of your mind and life can be the key to forming healthy relationships for the future.
How To Tell if You Have a Haunting Ex
In order to tell whether you have a haunting ex, ask yourself how frequently you think or talk about former significant others. Is it only when specifically prompted or relevant? Or do you tend to bring up your ex a lot? If your response to a friend or a date going to the bathroom is like “Oh, you’re going to the bathroom, my ex used to go to the bathroom,” then maybe, just maybe, you have a haunting ex.
Also, check how you instinctually respond when any of your exes are mentioned in any way. Is it reasonably neutral or do you still have strong feelings, either positive or negative, like love, anger, or even hate? If you haven’t yet moved on emotionally from a relationship, even though enough time has supposedly elapsed, then you may have a haunting ex.
Then, review how involved your exes are in your current life. Is your former boo still going “boo” to you by liking and commenting on your social media posts, texting and calling you, or “accidentally” running into you in places that he or she knows you frequent? This certainly would be a haunting if you would prefer your ex to get thee gone. But even if you welcome such contact, it could be a haunting if you haven’t yet separated emotionally from the former relationship with your ex. If any part of you still entertains the possibility of the two of you getting back together in any way, then your ex could indeed be a-haunting you.
The Dangers of a Haunting Ex
The big problem with having a haunting ex is that ex continues to take up space—mentally, emotionally, and even physically—in your life that could and should be dedicated to someone else. It can keep you from being fully present for and engaged with your friends, dates, and any potential partners. Dating can then be like trying to play in a tennis match while thinking about football. Holding on to a previous ex in any way can make your current relationship be more like a polyamory situation, which could be poly-problematic in many ways.
Then there’s the risk of you constantly comparing everyone to your ex, which is comparatively a bad game to play. You will always be able to find something that your ex did better than everyone else because each person is inherently unique. Plus, time can play funny tricks on your mind. You can end up remembering just the good aspects about an ex while forgetting some key details, like all the arguments that you had or the fact that your ex disappointed or even betrayed you.
All of this haunting stuff could spook any potential partners, too. Other people may recognize when you are not completely present and thus stay away. And few people would say, “Honey, I love it when you compare me to your ex.” Even if the comparisons have been favorable for your current date or partner so far, he or she may wonder when the other shoe or boo will drop. At what point will “My ex never did that to me” come out during an argument?
What to Do if You Have a Haunting Ex
The best way to deal with a haunting is to banish it. That doesn’t mean finding the charmed ones from that TV series Charmed and having them harness the power of three. Instead it means finding ways to clear that ex properly from your mind and life. This can include the following:
- Cease contact with the ex: The “we’re just friends” line can be about as truthful as a politician’s campaign promises when you haven’t a clean enough break and enough time apart to emotionally separate from the ex.
- Block the ex: If your ex continues to contact you, you may need to block the ex from doing so.
- Get rid of the ex’s gifts and possessions: No need to have such constant reminders around.
- Process the relationship with your ex: Understand why the two of you are no longer together and probably were not the right match for each other. Be brutally honest and objective with yourself. If you can’t, find a friend who can be or an expert like a therapist.
- Close the book on your ex: Don’t wait for someone else to give you closure. Real life ain’t one of those rom coms where you can make a dramatic speech to your ex, followed by a slow clap from everyone around you and Miley Cyrus’s “Flowers” playing in the background. No, life and relationships are typically more messy than that. Therefore, it’s usually up to you to get closure for yourself.
Avoid Repeating the Mistakes of the Past
Ultimately, the best way to banish such a haunting is to realize what you should have learned from that ex and the relationship with him or her. Sometimes someone or something will stay in your life until you’ve gleaned the proper lessons to change your approach to dating, relationships, or life in general accordingly, rather than repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Only then will you give any current and future relationships more than a ghost’s of a chance of succeeding.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.