Of all the certainties in life, one of the most certain is this: Teenagers are going to cause stress in the family. There are reasons for this. Some of them may include their desire for independence, their rejection of the things you find of value, and just a general defiance that permeates their being. Sound familiar? If you’re suffering through your teenager’s difficult years, then you know the realities of the situation.
Parents Are Not Always Aligned
Often, a teenager’s defiance can affect each parent differently. Some parents have their own reactivity from childhood that says that their children need to listen and respect them. These parents are especially upset and disheartened when their teen does the opposite and shows them disrespect. Parents may respond with punishment or by taking away the things that are important to the child.
Other parents may want to reason with their teen and are less reactive. When these combinations of parents try to guide their child into their future, they sometimes turn on each other, believing the other person’s way of handling the situation is damaging the child. This, in turn, can have both parents become upset and angry with each other over their disparate ways of dealing with their child.
This type of parental polarization can get in the way of effective parenting, and even worse, can start to damage the foundation of the parents’ relationship. Many divorces may have their roots in different parenting techniques and priorities. Over time, as the stress of parenting continues, it can deepen the divide between the couple.
It is of vital importance that this disconnection over parenting doesn’t happen. There are ways to deal with a teenager’s disrespect and their acting out that don’t jeopardize the love and connection you have with your partner. Yes, times can be trying; however, your teen’s emotional instability doesn’t have to trigger the demise of your own security and connection with each other.
Taking a Break in the Conversation
If you start to feel emotionally upset when dealing with your teen or discussing things with your partner, perhaps the first thing to consider is stepping back and pausing the conversation. This can give you time to examine the situation from a logical point of view rather than an emotional one. When we become emotionally upset, our frustration can be overwhelming, which can get in the way of making rational decisions. This usually results in anger, frustration, and sometimes threats toward either our child or our partner. Invariably, when emotions are at their peak in this way, it’s the absolute wrong time to be making life decisions. The truth is, when our emotions become triggered, we are then compelled to take action. Unfortunately, that action is usually not in our best interest. Whether it’s making threats that we haven’t thought through or even resorting to violence, when we are emotionally overwhelmed, we generally make poor decisions.
When this happens, it not only leads to unnecessary hurt and upset, but it also doesn’t help resolve the problem. It usually makes it worse. The truth is, for the most part, the more emotionally we react to situations with our teenagers and our partner, the less effective we become.
Teenagers often thrive on chaos. They push limits and boundaries. When we stay calm and deliberate in our communications, we can help de-escalate their emotional outbursts. In an effort to get what they want, teens may try to pit both parents against each other. Yet, when parents are aligned and establish boundaries clearly and logically, the teen may still get upset; yet, the situation is less likely to escalate into chaos.
Developing an Understanding With Each Other
The key is having a game plan with your partner. When both of you are flying by the seat of your pants, that’s when mistakes happen and tempers can flare. Part of a teenager’s development is establishing their own identities. This means they are biologically programmed to emotionally separate themselves from their parents. All of the things you believe in and are important to you are fair game for them to question and rebel against. By understanding this, when you get defiance, you recognize it’s part of their emotional development. Many parents give in to their emotions and decide (and sometimes exclaim) that they have a “bad child.” That’s not necessarily true. The truth is, all of the love and caring they used to show you is still in there and will most likely resurface. It is just their time to explore new possibilities and views.
If parents are aware of this developmental journey and anticipate that their child is going to go through it, they can work together to prepare their responses. There’s no reason that each parent has to take on this responsibility alone. You don’t have to make snap decisions. Parents can take their time when confronted by demands from their child. They can discuss it. They can decide together if it is something they feel is appropriate.
The bottom line is, raising a teenager can be difficult. It can be frustrating and frazzle your nerves. While this period of their lives doesn’t last forever, if it tears apart you and your partner, then it does damage well beyond the few years that your teen’s behavior is most challenging.
Parents who find a balance with each other and continue to prioritize the marriage along with their parenting can approach the teenage years as a team. In that way, there’s hope they can more easily weather the upsets, the rants, and the tantrums that can be a part of their child’s teenage years. It won’t be forever; however, during that time, it’s important to maintain the love and connection you feel for your partner. Staying connected as a family may be the ultimate goal and reward of successfully navigating these difficult years.