Every end of the school year brings transition. In most cases, it’s just a move from one grade to the next. But sometimes the transition is more significant: from one division to another—elementary to middle school, middle to high school—or from one school to another entirely.
Some students look forward to the change and the new beginning. Others are anxious, wondering whether they’ll have friends in their class, like their new teachers, or do well in their coursework. And for some parents, the anxiety is just as strong—sometimes even stronger.
When Parent Worry Exceeds Child Worry
Parents can worry that they’ve made the wrong decision for their child. They may feel tortured by the idea that they’ve disrupted or ruined something that was close to perfect—that they’ve initiated a harm that can’t be undone. They may fear they’ve sabotaged their child’s future by taking them away from the “right” opportunity.
In these moments—when parents fear that their action has resulted in irreparable harm to their child—I often share a story I’ve told many times. Years ago, when I supervised doctoral students, one of these students received what she perceived as disappointing feedback. She thought she had harmed her client based on something she had said or done in their last session. Another supervisor advised her to go home and fill a bathtub to the top. “Now,” the supervisor said, “dip your index finger in the water. That’s the degree of your impact.”
My supervisee was devastated—she had hoped she could be more transformative than that. But to me, this was great news. It reminds us that there’s rarely a single act that irrevocably shapes a child’s life, good or bad. Most outcomes—whether negative or positive—result from repetition. You usually have to do something over and over again to cause real damage, and the same is true of creating lasting benefit.
What We Want Our Children to Learn
When I talk to parents in this situation, I ask them to take a step back and consider: What qualities do they want their child to develop? In most cases, the answer includes some version of resilience. Resilience relies, to a certain extent, on one’s ability to look at a situation—even less-than-ideal ones—with positive possibilities.
Fortunately, your child may not be seeing the situation as you are. So, before you jump to the conclusion that they are devastated by the upcoming change and begin any emotional coaching, start by asking how they’re feeling, rather than assuming. And if worry is expressed, ask them the same kinds of questions I’m suggesting you might want to ask yourself to ease your own discomfort and anxiety about the pending change.
Questions to Help You Reframe Your Worry
To help temper your own anxiety, consider the following questions:
- What are you and your child most worried about?
- Would you bet money on that worst-case scenario?
- Do you have actual evidence to believe it will happen?
- Is your worry based more on feelings or on past experience?
- Does something happening once mean it will always happen?
Depending on your child’s age, you can even ask them some of these same questions. You don’t need to ask every one—they’re simply ways to help both of you realize that the worry or anxiety may be misplaced.
Think of Change as an Opportunity to Start Over
Sometimes, school changes are prompted by difficult circumstances:
- A learning challenge that made your child feel “less than” compared to peers
- Ongoing social struggles—difficulty reading cues, being misunderstood
- Emotional reactivity or dysregulation that left your child feeling out of place
In any of these cases, a school change can offer a reset. It’s a chance to begin again in a new environment, with people who don’t carry the same assumptions or expectations. That doesn’t mean everything will be perfect—but it does mean your child, and your family, get a do-over.
And if the change is for a good reason—or simply an unavoidable one, like a job relocation or another life change that necessitates a move—then it helps to present it just that way. As adults, we weigh pros and cons all the time. We balance sadness and hope. The same is true here. You may be leaving a school you liked, or moving toward one that’s still unknown—but both emotions can coexist.
You can also remind your child that you’re always making decisions with their best interests in mind—even if they don’t appreciate them in the moment. Maybe you didn’t give them a smartphone in elementary school, even though they wanted one and said others had one. Or maybe you didn’t let them go somewhere without adult supervision, or have another ice cream cone. This school change may be another one of those decisions.
Supporting a New Start
If you have even the remotest reason to believe this new placement could be an opportunity, I suggest you talk to someone you trust:
- A friend who knows your child’s past experience
- Someone who can help you think about what kind of first impression your child (and your family) might make
Think about what could have gone better at the old school—and what you might want to do differently this next time. Or, if things did go well, how you can help your child carry those positive habits forward.
Your Take Matters More Than You Know
One of the most powerful things you can do is model how you want your child to interpret this change. This doesn’t mean you hide your feelings—temper them, maybe—but it’s OK to own them. You can say, “I wish we could stay,” if that’s true—but also express that you’re processing the change, looking for what might be possible, and trusting that even if you feel sad now, you may find something good ahead.
And when it comes to the things your child is likely to worry about—like losing friends—remind your child that maintaining friendships is possible. Draw parallels to your own life: Maybe you have friends or relatives you rarely see, but your connection remains strong.
Do you want your child to believe this is the worst thing that could happen? Or would you rather they see it with mixed emotions—sadness about what they’re leaving, and hope for what could lie ahead?