Narcissists—especially overt, grandiose narcissists—are opportunists. They view themselves as superior while seeing others as subservient and expendable. Narcissists seek attention and power by undermining, manipulating, and bullying.
By “narcissist,” I mean individuals who meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder or who display numerous narcissistic traits.
We can have compassion for people with narcissism. Most narcissists are deeply wounded. But compassion doesn’t mean tolerating unhealthy behavior.
Narcissists’ attempts to shore up their fragile egos can inflict pain and needless drama on others. Research shows that being in a relationship with a narcissistic parent, partner, or other significant figure can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and a diminished sense of self.
Despite the damage narcissists cause, standing up to them may feel daunting. Fearing their wrath or seeking to avoid conflict, we may overlook, justify, or endure narcissistic abuse.
Yet each time we tolerate unhealthy behavior, narcissists become more emboldened.
From my clinical work with narcissists, I’ve noticed seven particularly destructive ways narcissists get their needs met at others’ expense. Recognizing when these tactics are used on you is the first step in setting better boundaries around narcissists.
Bullying
Like all bullies, narcissists intimidate others to hide the smallness they carry within. Bullying tactics can include:
- Threatening to withdraw affection or withhold resources
- Rushing others into making decisions
- Micro-managing others
- Raising voices or using physical intimidation
Narcissists like to instill fear in others. And it’s effective. When we grow fearful, we can feel less able or willing to counter bullying behavior.
Lying to your face
Narcissists dwell in alternative realities. They make promises they have no intention of fulfilling, or say one thing, then say the opposite even moments later. Dishonest tactics include:
- Telling lies so grandiose that others are left speechless
- Gaslighting by twisting facts to make others second-guess themselves
- Spinning one-sided narratives that portray themselves as admirable, enviable, or impeccable
- Dishing out blame but refusing to own their part in creating problems
Not challenging these falsehoods may erode your confidence in your memory or capabilities.
Diminishing your values
Narcissists value power, attention, and winning. They demean others’ values that don’t match theirs by:
- Portraying your values as liabilities, such as saying that your empathy makes you a “sap” or your kindness makes you a “pushover”
- Mocking you through sarcasm or eye rolls
- Ridiculing your heartfelt sentiments by saying something like, “That’s just something you read on Instagram“
- Trying to get you to betray your values, such as by telling you to cover up a costly mistake they made
Narcissists have a dim view of human nature and assume that everybody shares their transactional, winner-takes-all outlook. They tend to have little appreciation for values such as empathy, tolerance, generosity, or sincerity.
Attacking your character
Narcissists malign you by:
- Damaging your reputation through a smear campaign
- Labeling you as a “loser,” “disagreeable,” or “too sensitive”
- Demeaning your accomplishments as “dumb luck”
- Claiming that you are the narcissist
Your character, along with your values, are essential to who you are. These need to be cherished and defended. Allowing repetitive attacks on your character and values can estrange you from your deepest self.
Trying to con you
Narcissists seek to profit at your expense through:
- Projection, by accusing you of the very things they are doing or feeling
- Guilt, by calling you “ungrateful” or “selfish”
- Blame, by saying you caused their problems
- False charm, by saying things such as, “No one understands me as well as you do.”
Perhaps the biggest con by many narcissists is acting like royalty who are entitled to special treatment. Narcissists try to convince others that the narcissist will inevitably get what they want, no matter how outrageous their demands or behavior.
Acting like a child
In a sense, narcissists can be seen as developmentally stuck in the “terrible twos.” They dwell in a child’s fantasy world, with scant restraint over their impulses. Like 2-year-olds, adult narcissists:
- Throw tantrums
- Explode into rage over trivial matters
- See people and situations in any given moment as either all good or all bad
- Seek sympathy by adopting a “poor me” victim stance
- Exaggerate wildly
Narcissists, like toddlers, feel intense jealousy. When your birthday, promotion, wedding, or other big moment arrives, narcissists may try to spoil your moment in the spotlight through sarcasm or acting out.
Eroding your freedom of speech
Narcissists believe in freedom of speech, but only for themselves. They may:
- Interrupt you mid-sentence, or talk over you when you try to speak
- Finish your thoughts for you (often incorrectly)
- Belittle what you say
- Silence your questions by threatening to punish you
- Diminish your feelings by saying, “Get over it. It’s no big deal.”
Narcissists develop this array of behaviors to distract from their deep inadequacy and shame. They become adept at these seven tactics, often dishing out several in rapid-fire sequence.
For example, if you point out something a narcissist said that makes them look bad, the narcissist may claim, “I never said that. If you think I did, you’re not as smart as I thought. This conversation is over. And I won’t speak to you for the rest of the day.”
Can you identify which of the seven tactics are used here?
In the example above, the narcissist starts with a lie (“I never said that”), attacks your character (“you’re not as smart as I thought”), denies your freedom of speech (“this conversation is over”), and finishes with childish behavior (“I won’t speak to you for the rest of the day”).
It can be difficult to stand up to such assaultive language. I know how threatening, shaming, and vindictive narcissists can be. In some situations, it may be better to say nothing.
But the choice is yours, not theirs. It’s up to you whether you tolerate narcissists’ unhealthy behaviors.