As a college professor for three decades and the author of a brand-new book about college life, one thing I know for sure is that parents and students are in a perpetual dance of learning to let go.
Parents benefit from resisting the urge to swoop in and fix things. It’s normal to want to intervene, blow the whistle, or kiss the boo-boo and make it all better—and that has great merit when your kid is teased or falls on the playground and skins their knee, but come college time, it’s usually the least helpful thing to do.
Rather than calling the school yourself with questions and concerns, rather than asking questions of other parents so you can pass along the information to your child, and rather than emergency-visiting or having your kid come back home for long weekends, encourage your student to seek out the answers for themselves. You needn’t find everything and engineer it for your child.
Resist any urge to contact your student’s professors. I have encountered parents who email from their own account and even their student’s email account, actually pretending to be the student. This creates a situation where the professor is likely to feel a complete lack of trust and become unwilling to engage in email altogether with the student because of such serious boundary violations. Parents shouldn’t put their student in that kind of compromised position. Even if your student signs a FERPA release, it is usually the case that the faculty member will not reply to parents, as they are not required to do so.
Parents and students fare better when parents don’t approach college in heightened surveillance and interference mode. This means resisting the urge to utilize tracking apps to know where your kids are at all times or to check their grades. That’s only something you can do if your student signs off on that, and then, even if they do, it’s best not to. That sort of monitoring never builds trust and independence. Furthermore, students who feel they can be trusted tend to develop greater trust in themselves and confidence in their own decision-making process.
It’s best to avoid being the parent on social media who tries to set their kid up with playdates with friends and potential dating partners; yes, this is common on parent pages. You also don’t want to talk smack about your students’ professors, the school, or their peers. Remember that your children, their classmates, and school personnel can find this on these parent pages.
Interviews with parents and students that I conducted for my book showcased the following suggestions that underscore this need for letting go. Jenn, the mother of a college graduate, put it plainly and honestly: “Butt out. This is your son or daughter’s college experience, and they need to be responsible for themselves, especially for their grades. Check in on their mental health often and have open and honest conversations with them about drugs, alcohol, and sex before they leave.” Concurring with Jenn is Bari, the mother of three college graduates, who said, “They have to make their own decisions, good and bad. It’s a time when you really need to let them get burned by their own fires.”
Other interviewees talked about how, in dealing with the adjustment to college, parents and students are both best served by encouraging independence. Cody, a college graduate, said he wants parents to know this: “Encourage your kids to stay on campus more often instead of coming home all the time.” Interestingly, Halle, the mother of current college students and a college graduate, agreed and urges this: “Allow them to have the freedom to enjoy and try not visiting too much, let them find their path.”
The trick, it seems, is to cultivate a blend of gentleness and firmness that assures your student is cared for, supported, and loved unconditionally, while also being held accountable as an emerging adult capable of finding answers on their own. My former student, Chris, put it well: “Find a balance between a silver platter and a boot to the ass. Be patient, let your kids screw up, and have faith that if you did what you should have when they were younger, your kids should be more than capable now.”