The benefits of assertiveness for someone who struggles to speak up are profound. Assertiveness allows a person to finally have a voice—whether in professional settings or personal relationships. It equips them to address boundary violations and rudeness while responding proportionately. Assertiveness is an expression of self-esteem, a reminder that we are all entitled to say no or to advocate for what we truly want.
But for those who have long neglected their own preferences and needs, learning assertiveness can come at a painful cost.
When Assertiveness Disrupts the Dynamic
Some who begin to assert themselves start to notice how much others relied on their silence or compliance. Clients often describe loved ones bristling when they gently and firmly state a different opinion or need. What may feel like a small internal shift can create outsized external reactions.
Suddenly, relationships that once felt harmonious begin to show signs of strain—revealing how much their balance depended on one person consistently yielding.
The Effort Gap
Others realize just how much emotional and logistical labor they’ve contributed to a relationship. Many clients describe being the one to make plans, accommodate schedules, and initiate connection. After stepping back and asserting that they’ve done their fair share, they are often met with disappointing levels of effort from the other person.
This can be disheartening, as it becomes clear that some friendships were sustained primarily by one-sided effort.
Limited Space for Growth
Clients also describe discovering how little flexibility some relationships have once they begin to take up more space. One client, who had long struggled to speak up when a close friend made hurtful remarks, finally began to assert herself. She quickly realized that the friend could not tolerate feedback and reacted with defensiveness and anger. The limits of emotional intimacy became apparent the moment she asked to be treated with respect.
Clarifying Preferences
For some, assertiveness brings a new kind of clarity. They begin to question whether they ever actually liked certain shared activities or routines. Upon reflection, they may realize they participated out of obligation or fear of conflict. As self-esteem grows and assertiveness takes root, they may express disinterest—only to find that the activity was the main point of connection. Without it, the relationship feels weakened.
Not All Outcomes Are Negative
Of course, this is not always the case. In some relationships, friends or loved ones adjust, take initiative, and support the person’s growing confidence. These relationships may deepen with renewed balance and mutual respect. But for others, assertiveness can upend long-established dynamics and expose which relationships relied on one person taking up very little space.