In Part 1 of this two-part series, we explored the first 10 truths about why professional success doesn’t always translate to love. Now, we’ll go deeper into trauma, emotional labor, and how to build lasting intimacy.
11. Trauma Changes the Rules of Engagement.
After years of working with trauma survivors, I’ve seen how traditional relationship advice often misses the mark when trauma is involved. The good news? Evidence-based approaches like emotionally focused therapy and integrative behavioral couple therapy offer specific tools for navigating these complexities, especially around emotional regulation and safety (Stith & Rosen, 2003).
Actionable Insight: If trauma is present, seek trauma-informed therapy. It’s not about fixing your partner—it’s about creating safety and understanding.
12. Relationships Are Fluid, Not Static.
One truth I’ve witnessed repeatedly: You and your partner will both evolve over time. This isn’t just normal—it’s necessary for growth. Meyer’s research shows our brains have a remarkable capacity to reshape attachment patterns throughout our lives.
Actionable Insight: Stay curious about your partner’s evolution. Regularly ask, “What’s something new you’ve discovered about yourself lately?”
13. Projection Is Powerful, But Awareness Is Transformative.
I see this pattern often: When life feels overwhelming, it’s tempting to blame our relationships for deeper dissatisfactions. As trauma expert Judith Herman notes, “Trauma survivors may find it difficult to distinguish between current relational issues and echoes of past experiences.”
Actionable Insight: Before blaming your relationship, take stock of other areas in your life. Ask yourself: Am I fulfilled in my career? How is my relationship with myself? Are there unresolved wounds impacting how I feel about my partner?
14. Core Issues Don’t Disappear—They’re Managed, Not Solved.
Here’s something that often surprises my clients: some relationship challenges never fully resolve. Research shows that differences in areas like spending habits or conflict styles often become ongoing dynamics to manage rather than problems to “fix” (Ghasemi et al., 2020).
Actionable Insight: Instead of aiming for a complete resolution, focus on understanding and managing recurring issues. Create language for these dynamics, such as: “This is one of our perennial topics. How can we approach it with curiosity instead of frustration this time?”
15. Divorce or Separation Isn’t Always a Failure.
Let me be direct about something I’ve seen countless times in my practice: Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and ending one doesn’t mean you failed. Research shows that women especially tend to measure relationship success by longevity, even at the cost of their well-being (Gersick and Kram, 2002). Sometimes the bravest choice is recognizing when a relationship no longer aligns with who you’re becoming.
Actionable Insight: If you’re considering leaving a relationship, ask: “Does this partnership align with the version of myself I want to grow into?” Seek support to navigate this decision with clarity and compassion.
16. The Emotional Labor Divide Is Real, but It’s Addressable.
Here’s a pattern I notice repeatedly: ambitious women carrying the invisible weight of managing feelings and relationship dynamics. Research confirms this isn’t just your imagination—women who shoulder excessive emotional labor experience higher rates of anxiety and burnout (Erickson and Grove, 2008).
Actionable Insight: Identify areas where emotional labor feels unbalanced. For example, if you’re always the one planning date nights, talk to your partner about sharing this responsibility. Use language like, “I’d love for us to brainstorm ways to split this more evenly so we both feel cared for.”
17. Relationships Require Consistent Tending, Like Plants or Pets.
In my experience, relationships don’t thrive on autopilot. As Sue Johnson reminds us, “Secure relationships are created not through grand gestures but through small, consistent acts of care and connection.”
Actionable Insight: Make tending to your relationship part of your routine. Create rituals, like Sunday morning coffee check-ins or an evening gratitude practice where you share one thing you appreciated about each other that day.
18. Netflix and Takeout Can Be Love, Too.
In my therapy practice, I often hear high-achieving women apologize for quiet nights in. But intimacy often lives in these ordinary moments. Research confirms that couples prioritizing simple shared activities report higher satisfaction than those focused only on grand gestures (Owen et al., 2019).
Actionable Insight: Shift your perspective: These moments are not laziness—they’re intimacy in its simplest, most sustainable form.
19. How You Want to Feel Matters More Than How Things Look.
Beyond the external markers—financial stability, social compatibility, physical attraction—what truly matters is how safe, cherished, and supported you feel with your partner. These emotional benchmarks reveal more about relationship health than any surface-level metrics.
Actionable Insight: Ask yourself, “How do I want to feel in this partnership?” Use this as your guiding principle when navigating conflict, expressing needs, or evaluating compatibility.
20. Getting to Know Someone Takes Time—a Lot of Time.
Solomon and Siegel’s research reminds us that “Relational neuroplasticity shows us that trust and vulnerability are built over consistent, repeated interactions—not overnight.” Building secure intimacy isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon.
Actionable Insight: Resist the urge to rush clarity in the early stages of a relationship. Observe how your partner shows up over time, especially during difficult moments. True connection isn’t revealed in the honeymoon phase—it’s forged through shared resilience.
Love as a Different Kind of Mastery
If you’ve spent years excelling in your career but find relationships more challenging, know this: Love isn’t another task to accomplish or box to check. It’s a practice—one that asks for presence over perfection, curiosity over control, and the courage to be seen, beyond your achievements.
True intimacy isn’t built through strategy or sheer determination. It grows in the small, everyday moments of showing up, listening, and allowing yourself to be known. And just like any other meaningful pursuit, it requires intention, patience, and a willingness to evolve.
As someone who’s navigated this journey personally and guided countless women through it professionally, I know this transformation is possible. You’ve already proven you can master complex challenges. Now let’s apply that same intentionality to creating the relationships you deeply desire. Because love, like every other form of mastery, begins with a single step.