One of the most anguished and compelling sections of the Book of Genesis tells the story of Jacob and Esau vying for their father’s blessing. As many of us know, Jacob—with the help of his mother, Rebekah—deceives his father, Isaac, into thinking that he is his older twin brother, Esau, and as a result, receives the coveted blessing of the first-born.
Shortly thereafter, Esau arrives on the scene, prepared to receive the blessing of the firstborn that Isaac had promised him earlier. Upon learning that this had already been bequeathed to his younger brother, he “burst into wild and bitter sobbing, saying, ‘Have you but one blessing, Father? Bless me, too, Father!’ And Esau wept aloud…”
All children—sons and daughters—desire their father’s blessing, particularly as they prepare to complete adolescence and embark on their own journey forward. One need not be religiously observant or spiritually oriented to understand the impact of a paternal blessing, because blessing a child is an age-old practice that we see in every culture, and always carries with it significant psychological weight.
Blessings, particularly as an adult child is preparing to leave home, can serve countless purposes: as fuel for growth, as a source of motivation, as an expression of confidence, as a strengthening of the father-child bond (particularly as the nature of that bond is about to change), as an expression and a modeling of love and kindness, as part of a family legacy that children can pass down if they one day become parents themselves.
Many times, young adults make it easy for their father to offer this blessing, especially if they are approaching adulthood in ways that he approves of. But a blessing remains important—perhaps more important—even when a young adult is entering an unfamiliar or unconventional passageway toward autonomy.
With this in mind, it is important not to confuse blessing a child with approving of a child. Many fathers of emerging adults with whom I have spoken are hesitant to provide a blessing because they feel like they are being hypocritical or disingenuous, reinforcing choices on their child’s part that, based on their experience, they believe are unwise or ill-advised.
Daunte was one such dad. He and his wife, Aniyah, had worked very hard to build a college fund that would enable their son, Malik, to be a first-generation college student—neither Daunte nor Aniyah had had that opportunity.
But as Malik approached the end of high school, he became less interested in attending college and more interested in pursuing what he felt was his true calling, which was to become a professional musician. Daunte, who was quite musical himself, was not opposed to his son’s passion for music but didn’t believe that it was a realistic path towards self-reliance.
“Let him at least get a college degree, that’ll give him some career options if music doesn’t pan out. It’s just not realistic to try to make it in the music industry; it’s a one-in-a-million shot.”
But the harder Daunte insisted that Malik go to college, the more Malik dug his heels in, creating considerable tension between a father and son who had always been quite close. And of course there was no way for Daunte and Aniyah to enforce Malik’s matriculation, anyway; he would have to make that happen himself by taking the necessary exams and completing the required applications.
So when I proposed to Daunte that he “bless” Malik’s desire to pursue music, he naturally balked, feeling like he would be “giving in” and that it wouldn’t be genuine: “How can I bless a young man who might be starting off his adult life headed in the complete wrong direction? Without a college degree, he’ll always be behind the eight-ball.”
But when I clarified that he could still bless Malik without having to be enthusiastic or supportive of his initial direction, some new possibilities presented themselves.
“You could bless him with courage to hold true to his dream. You could bless him with the perseverance to hang in there when he hits adversity. You could bless him with the flexibility to change paths if he one day decides that might be best. You could bless him with continued access to the creative reservoir that lies within him.”
Giving Daunte some room to maneuver when it came to blessing his son as Malik prepared to set sail enabled them to have a warmer and more valuable conversation, and simultaneously softened the rancor that had been developing between the two of them.
As we read about Esau’s reaction to his brother having usurped him, we vividly encounter how being deprived of a blessing can be a fathomless source of grief and sorrow for a child. But on the other hand, when a blessing is generously and genuinely supplied—even when doing so might initially feel erroneous or unwarranted—it invariably reinforces a sense of unity and belonging within the family and instills hope and positivity within a young adult.