Today’s young people need us to see and support them more than ever. You’ve seen the headlines. Fifty-seven percent of girls now report feeling “persistently sad or hopeless.” Three in four high schoolers report facing significant adversity. But here’s what you may not know: Kids say one of the most common forms of adversity they face is being made fun of or belittled at home. Often, teens feel unable to talk to their parents about things that really matter because their parents are struggling with their own mental well-being.
That’s not surprising: New studies show that 41 percent of adults say they’re too stressed out most days “to function.” And yet research also shows that the odds of a child flourishing are 12 times higher when they know they can turn to an adult with anything, no matter how difficult.
We’re not meeting our kids where they are. Adversity and trauma narrow horizons; connection expands them. In my three decades as a science journalist, I’ve learned there are neuroscience-based ways to build that connection; for each of us to be the mirror that reflects each child’s latent magic.
Here are eight practical neuroscience-based steps to show kids and teens you hear, see, and believe in them.
8 Neuroprotective Steps for Talking to Kids and Teens (and Help Their Brains Wire Up in Healthy Ways)
- Walk up to the fact that some topics are hard to discuss: “This topic is hard to talk about—even for me, as an adult.”
- Don’t jump in! “My promise to you: I will be a good listener and not ask questions.” (Studies show kids volunteer more when we don’t ask questions.)
- Model deep breathing. Be the person in the room with the lowest heart rate. Our kids “borrow” our neurobiology. If you relax, they will too.
- Be prepared to learn something you didn’t know. Don’t assume you know what a young person is feeling. (You probably don’t.)
- If they ask what you think: “I promise I’ll tell you, but first I want to know what you think, because what you think right now is more important than what I think.”
- Offer heartfelt validation: “Your feelings are real and important and understandable.” Or “Anyone would feel that way.” Or “That sounds really hard.”
- Don’t assume just because they’re quiet, they’re finished sharing. “I’m here to listen for as long as you need me to; is there anything else it would be helpful for me to know?”
- Dial up on seeing the good in them and note their positive qualities: “Wow, you really dealt with this very complex and confusing situation well.”
The goal? Whenever a child or teen turns to you with hard things, make it a good experience for them so they feel safe turning to you next time.