Avoiding closeness at work might feel professional, but it’s secretly making your job harder.
In one of her studies, psychologist Vanessa Bohns found that people vastly underestimate how often others will say yes to their requests—even in places like New York City. Participants expected strangers to decline help, but nearly half agreed to lend their phone or walk someone to a destination. Across all types of requests, people were about twice as likely to say yes as expected. Bohns explains this happens because saying “no” feels socially risky: We fear seeming uncooperative or damaging a budding relationship.
Now here’s the twist: If we’re this willing to accommodate strangers, you’d think we’d be even more accommodating to people we’re close with.
But research shows the opposite.
Enter the Acquaintance Trap—a psychological tendency to overextend ourselves for people we only kind of know. We’re often more willing to say “yes” to acquaintances than to close colleagues or friends. Why? Because acquaintances occupy a fragile middle ground—close enough that we care what they think, but not close enough that the relationship feels secure.
At work, this trap gets intensified.
Let’s break down the tiers of connection:
- Strangers: You don’t know them at all. No expectations.
- Acquaintances: Familiar faces—emails exchanged, meetings shared, hallway nods—but little depth.
- Confidants: Trusted colleagues. You know their story. They know yours.
With confidants, there’s trust. Boundaries are clearer, and saying no doesn’t feel threatening. With strangers, there’s no connection to lose. But with acquaintances, the stakes feel weirdly high. So we nod, smile, and say yes—hoping to earn approval or avoid awkwardness. Ironically, this leads to burnout, boundary erosion, and a calendar full of low-impact work.
If your team is overloaded, it may not be a bandwidth issue. It may be a connection issue.
When team members feel like mere acquaintances, everyone tiptoes. They overcommit, overexplain, and overwork, because the relationships don’t feel safe enough to push back. But when people move from acquaintances to trusted teammates, efficiency improves. Communication sharpens. Collaboration flows.
This dynamic applies to leaders, too. Many managers have worked with their team for months—or years—without ever truly connecting. And the longer that surface-level relationship lingers, the more awkward it feels to go deeper.
But mature leaders own the awkwardness. They say things like: “I’m embarrassed. We’ve worked together this long and I don’t know much about your life outside of work. Can we fix that?”
It’s a small act, but it unlocks big outcomes. Connection creates permission—for candor, feedback, accountability, and support.
Here’s what pulling people closer can look like:
- Scheduling short check-ins just to ask how someone’s really doing.
- Publicly appreciating effort, not just output.
- Inviting team members to share something meaningful—outside of status updates.
- Being vulnerable first.
In short, light connection creates heavy burdens. Without trust, every project takes longer. Every miscommunication turns into a meeting. Every “no” becomes a minefield.
But when leaders and teammates invest in turning acquaintances into confidants, everything accelerates: efficiency, collaboration, and well-being.
So instead of guarding distance in the name of professionalism, consider closing the gap.
Because better connection isn’t soft. It’s strategic.
Learn more in my book, Connectable: How Leaders Can Move Teams From Isolated to All In.