Working with twins who are having problems getting along with one another in an educational and support group has helped me to help other twins who want to get along even in the worst circumstances. This weekly group has been healing and informative for the members, and for me as well. My twin estrangement group is based on my research and consultation experiences over the last 20 years. As importantly, it is based on my deep understanding of my own issues with twin estrangement because I had and still have a difficult time being an identical twin.
I know that many twins find being a twin a hardship. In stark contrast, many parents and interested relatives and friends believe that twins have the potential for an ideal relationship. Physical and emotional availability provides day-to-day physical and emotional closeness that can encourage deep understanding between twins. In other words, more often than not, your twin will calm you down when you are sad, play with you when you are lonely, and share their lunch or snack when you are hungry. These caring actions are truly gifts to have in your childhood and as you grow into maturity.
Unfortunately, there are separation problems that develop between twins that are hard to deal with no matter how much thoughtfulness and understanding has been extended by parents, caregivers, and close friends. Even twin-to-twin understanding of missing one another can fall short of being good enough to reduce the hurt of being alone. For me and the many twins I have consulted with, not having your twin’s input can be emotionally difficult and confusing in new situations. Separation anxiety can create feelings of being abandoned or ignored. Not having your twin advisor by your side can limit your ability to move forward with making good decisions.
Other people will long to be a twin for comfort and understanding and companionship. But there are hard parts related to developing your singular identity that are difficult to overcome. Outsiders or onlookers cannot understand the trauma of not getting along with your twin—or the shame and disappointment when your twin disagrees with a decision. Twins have difficulty with the struggles they face becoming their own person who is separate emotionally from their twin. Onlookers’ unsolicited opinions can be devastating, even if they are well-meaning.
Common Hardships of Being a Twin
- Sharing your parents and competing for their attention.
- Being compared to one another by family members, and by onlookers who are fascinated by twins.
- Having too much closeness to your twin’s opinions, which limits your self-confidence and the ability to solve a problem by yourself.
- Communicating with non-twins.
- Language usage based on your twin relationship, which includes non-verbal experiences that non-twins cannot understand. In other words, thinking that other people will understand you with very few words just like your twin understands you.
- Dealing with loneliness when you are not with your twin. This is very difficult for young twins but still confusing and uncomfortable for twins who are mature.
- The resolution of anger and disappointment.
- Sharing your twin’s family at holidays and at regular day-to-day events.
- Being the second-best twin in different situations. For example, one twin is richer than their brother, more famous than their sister, smarter than her brother. I could go on, but the competition between twins can cause a great deal of unhappiness that is hard to reconcile.
- “Who is in charge of taking care of an injured or sick family member?” presents countless fights in which there is no right or wrong. The winner of this conflict is totally subjective and hard to determine.
- “Who gets the larger scoop of ice cream?” can create chaos that is ridiculous if you are not a twin and have not seen this play out again and again.
- “Who is the fatter/prettier/smarter twin?” Depending on who is evaluating the pair, these obnoxious questions/comments cause competition and sadness for the less confident twin.
Advice for Non-Twins, Both Children and Adults, Who Want to Develop a Relationship with Twins
The psychological life of being a twin is complicated, difficult to understand, and not easy to react to when it is necessary to give feedback. Truly, though, twin issues are capable of becoming understandable and manageable in due time.
Carefully observe and carefully interact with twins if you want to make a deep and meaningful relationship. Twins are fun and creative people who know how to get along, and they are well worth your energy to connect with.
- Never compare twins.
- Develop a sense of each twin’s distinct identity.
- Learn how twins are similar and different.