When I was growing up, I did not face a lot of bullying in my small and selective schools in Detroit. And trust me, there was a lot of content: I was skinny, had braces, and played the violin. So imagine my outrage when my 16-year-old mentee from Austin told me recently that she was being talked about for her mixed race—an identity I also share. Oh, I was mad. Since bullying leads to low self-esteem, a loss of voice, and avoidant coping, I knew my mentee’s psychological health was on the line. The only thing I could offer in the moment was a knuckle sandwich, but the fact that I’m a whole adult who lives out of state complicated that suggestion.
It then occurred to me: Wait! I’m facing a bully at school too!
The federal government is attempting to force its anti-diversity agenda on the administration of Columbia University, and many of us are afraid of the big bad behemoth threatening our livelihood and well-being.
This affects me directly because, in addition to being a licensed clinical psychologist, I’m an associate professor at Columbia University. I research the ways that social factors—like racism and oppression—impact youth mental health, and, more importantly, what youth and caregivers can do to fight back. In my research, practice, and applied strategies, I encourage youth to have a toolkit of skills (like comeback lines, journaling, conversations with friends) to combat the negative stings from perpetrators of oppression (or, in layman’s terms, bullies).
Now, granted, all that went out the window when my mentee described the words that her classmates were saying to her. But when I came home after our delightful in-person meeting, I went back to my research. I realized that the same strategies she could take to face her peers are the ones that we as faculty, staff, and students at Columbia (and the next challenged institution) need to engage in right now:
- Ignore the bully and walk away. Unlike Columbia’s administration, it is important to set the stage immediately that the behavior of the bully will not be tolerated. One of those strategies is to dismiss them and any demands that they make of you. Many studies show that caving to a known bully is pointless—that their demands only shift once you give them any attention. So whether it’s someone calling you a racist name in high school or giving you a list of 9 “demands” for your university to operate with that have no basis in law, science, or pedagogy, you always have the autonomy and agency to walk away.
- Grow your confidence and skills. Bullies hate being stepped to. So if you choose not to walk away, the next best thing is to confront them directly. But it’s tough in the moment to know what to say or do (cue this doc who almost lost it on behalf of her mentee). That means it takes practice to be emboldened. It requires getting in front of the mirror and trying different ways that you’d want to respond to the bully. Looking in the mirror—remembering who you are and why you took on the role—is something the Columbia administration is doing a poor job of modeling right now. You won’t have to live with the bully forever, but you will have to live with yourself in that reflection every day. Do you feel good about what you’ve said and done? If not, it’s not too late to try a new approach at any time. Do what you can until it feels right. Until it is right.
- Build social support. Finally, having people around you at all times is crucial for sustained winning against the bully. If you’re a teenager at a school, your peers will help to make the bully rethink their actions the next time they have something to say. Likewise, if you’re an Ivy League institution, your peer schools should help back down the looming bully. My pastor reminded me recently that it is often the shadow of the “giant” that scares us the most, so imagine what the shadow casting from dozens of institutions, organizations, and unions must look like to the bully. We know that a people, united, will never be defeated.
As my mentee and I talked about bullying, I shared with her that I attended a protest on Columbia’s campus to demand the release and return of Mahmoud Khalil, a recent graduate of a post-grad program. While at the protest along with faculty colleagues, I watched in shock when the public safety officers closed off internal gates to prevent further assembly on the steps of a central building on campus—a campus that members already had to show ID to enter. It was something I had never seen in all of my years in activism. And I didn’t do anything about it. I was frozen – another psychological consequence and intention of bullying.
I hope that my mentee is stronger than me in her next moment of bullying and that she can find the words and actions to break down her bully. I too hope that Columbia will find its way as more demands inevitably come, since we have so far shown ourselves to be scrawny opponents. But believe you me, my colleagues and I are ready for the next round. We will fight back – knuckle sandwiches and all.