“Narcissists are precisely that: careless. They barrel through life, using relationships and people as objects, tools, and folly. While they often seem as if they are cruel or harsh, that is in fact giving them too much credit. They are simply careless.” —Dr. Ramani Durvasula
I know what you’re about to say. Aren’t I self-absorbed when I’m in the throes of an OCD spiral? Who am I to judge? Aren’t I a bit of a narcissist too?
Not at all.
When your OCD is ramping up, it’s because you’re losing yourself not being full of yourself. You’re so caught up in managing others’ feelings or trying to be as good, moral, or pure as possible, there’s no room for you.
You care so much, almost too much, and you can’t stop because that’s who you are.
Take that in for a moment.
This is the beginning of what one of my clients fantastically dubbed selfish empathy, the capacity to lend yourself the full amount of your empathy since you regularly lend out your full metaphorical bank account to others.
If you have OCD, you are super compassionate, empathetic, and kind, but there’s not enough left for you too.
Let’s be clear to that critic who’s not buying this. Really, I’m a narcissist. Nice try, Mike.
Hold on a moment, let me be your defense attorney.
It’s virtually impossible for you to be truly narcissistic. You’re so tuned in to others and their feelings that you may even have a difficult time being with your own self-interest—what you want and need—and regularly find yourself in knots as you attempt to untangle everyone else’s needs first.
It’s more likely that you wrestle with this constantly, and that, my friend, isn’t the sign of a narcissist. That’s the sign of a sophisticated heart and mind trying to juggle thoughtfulness and kindness for others and yourself.
Odds are, when you have to, you drop yourself in the mix.
Ready for more proof that OCD is the opposite of narcissism?
If you have OCD, you’ve likely lived with or attracted people with narcissistic tendencies (or even with the personality disorder itself). They may have even gaslit you into thinking you’re asking for too much when you just want to be understood and heard.
Why do people with OCD attract narcissism? Narcissists secretly and unconsciously admire you—though they would never admit it—but they can’t actually say that. To do so would be too vulnerable and bring them in contact with their own emptiness (and your fullness—you’re brimming with substance!), so they steal your empathy and exploit it.
Worst of all, they feed you all the lies that your inner critic loves to tell you. And then you become convinced that authority and power are used only in malevolent and hurtful ways. But the good news is, it doesn’t have to be that way anymore.
Selfish empathy is all about lending yourself as much empathy as you lend out to others (don’t worry, you’ve got so much in the bank, you can afford it) and in so doing, tapping into the healthy authority and power you deserve.
So, the next time you find yourself around a narcissist or are lost in a spiral of self-hate, remember that you deserve selfish empathy, and get full of yourself again in the best way possible—as you.