Have you ever found yourself wondering whether you’ve made the right choice in your romantic relationship? Thinking, for example, “What if I stay in this relationship and waste my chance at a better one?” or “What if I leave and discover that I’ve lost the love of my life?” These thoughts are natural to some extent in romantic relationships. It’s normal to wonder whether you’ve made the right choice. However, for people struggling with Relationship OCD (ROCD), thoughts about regretting making a wrong relationship choice are typically incessant, overwhelming, and disabling.
ROCD and the fear of regret
ROCD is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) characterized by persistent doubts and preoccupations about one’s relationship or partner. Individuals with ROCD repeatedly experience intrusive thoughts (obsessions) about their relationships that trigger intense distress, leading them to engage in behaviors (compulsions) aimed at finding certainty or relief. These compulsions may include excessive deliberation, reassurance-seeking, or mental checking, which paradoxically only reinforce one’s distress, leading to further attempts at achieving a sense of resolution1.
The fear of regret of making a wrong relational choice keeps individuals with ROCD trapped in an exhausting loop of deliberation and doubt. They may feel unable to make decisions about their relationship, whether that means committing more deeply or leaving, as each choice might lead to regret. Consequently, instead of experiencing their relationship to the fullest, they mainly experience their fears of making the wrong decision. Such fears can become so intense that they keep the person locked in a state of anxiety and doubt. This cycle is driven by two powerful factors: intolerance of uncertainty and deep-rooted core fears.
Intolerance of uncertainty and doubt
Uncertainty is an inherent part of life, yet most people effectively manage their lives alongside it. For example, every time we drive, there’s a chance we might get into an accident that will significantly impact our lives and the lives of others. Despite this risk, we trust ourselves to drive responsibly and accept the uncertainty of whether drivers around us drive responsibly too. However, individuals with OCD struggle with tolerating uncertainty and often react to it with obsessional doubting, making doubt itself a hallmark of OCD—sometimes even referred to as the “doubting disease.”
In ROCD, doubts often focus on two factors: worrying about making the wrong choice (e.g., “What if staying in this relationship is a mistake?”) and doubting whether one sufficiently engages in compulsions to prevent that mistake (e.g., “Am I deliberating my decision to stay carefully enough to be sure?”). Importantly, people with OCD do not doubt everything2. Intolerance of uncertainty and doubt arise in areas where core fears are activated.
Core fears in ROCD
Beneath the surface-level fears of regretting one’s choice of either staying in or leaving a relationship, many individuals with ROCD have a deeper, core fear: the fear of being trapped and alone in endless suffering. This core fear can manifest as fearing lifelong regret for staying in the wrong relationship or fearing eternal regret for prematurely ending the right one3. Hence, when relationship-related uncertainty arises, it taps into one’s core fear, triggering compulsive behaviors aimed at preventing it from coming true. Unfortunately, these compulsions only strengthen the fears, making individuals more focused on their anxiety than on the relationship itself.
Treatment and coping strategies
Since no relationship decision can come with absolute certainty, individuals with ROCD must learn to tolerate uncertainty rather than try to repeatedly eliminate it. Effective treatment helps individuals stay present and engaged in their relationships, even when facing doubt and fear, without engaging in compulsions.
Several therapeutic techniques can support this process:
- Investment in the relationship despite doubts: Instead of waiting for certainty before investing in a relationship, individuals with ROCD can learn to meaningfully engage with their partner despite their doubts. This allows them to experience and appreciate the full potential of their relationship when they nurture and invest in it.
- Exposure and response prevention (ERP): A key component of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), ERP involves gradually exposing individuals to their feared thoughts (e.g., imagining being in the wrong relationship forever) while refraining from engaging in compulsions. This process helps build tolerance for uncertainty and reduces the power of their fears.
- Challenging extreme love beliefs: Many people with ROCD hold rigid beliefs about how love “should” feel or what being in the “right” relationship means. As a result, experiencing doubtful thoughts or distressing feelings is often interpreted as a meaningful indication of the “rightness” of the relationship. Working to identify and modify these beliefs can help individuals accept the natural fluctuations of thoughts and feelings in a relationship rather than interpret every doubt as a meaningful, ominous sign.
Moving forward
The fear of regret is a common and natural concern in romantic relationships. However, for those with ROCD, it can become a debilitating force that overshadows the relationship itself. By learning to tolerate uncertainty, confront core fears, and disengage from compulsions, individuals can break free from the cycle of doubt and become fully present in their relationships. With the right tools and support, it is possible to gradually shift from fear-driven decision-making to value-based choices that foster meaningful, fulfilling relationships.