Our inner critics get a bad rap. Sure, they can be demanding and sometimes a bit harsh. At the end of the day, though, they clearly want what’s best for us. They want us to succeed. They want us to be safe and healthy. Probably they even want us to be happy. So why does it sometimes feel like your inner critic is the very thing holding you back or keeping you from contentment and joy?
When our experience is dominated by the blame and judgment of our inner critic, we feel anxious and insecure. We might find it challenging to give time and attention to activities we enjoy or relationships that nourish us. Research shows that folks who are more self-critical experience more distress (Campos et al., 2018). Are there ways to stay committed to excellence without the drain and damage to our self-esteem the inner critic can cause?
Thankfully, yes, there are. When we approach our inner critic with nonjudgmental curiosity, we devote less attention to judging and blaming ourselves and more attention to effective strategies that will help us make progress toward reaching our goals. When we take a step back to understand how our inner critics are trying to help us, we can find more effective solutions. A growing body of research shows that folks who practice nonjudgmental observation experience increased productivity and enhanced cognitive performance in addition to less stress and increased well-being (Ogino, et al. 2024). When we observe our efforts and their outcomes with nonjudgmental curiosity, we can stay committed to uncovering the best versions of ourselves while also leaving room in our lives for enjoyment and connection.
Recognizing Your Inner Critic
When it comes to pursuing excellence, our inner critics are like a dog with a bone. They tend to be exclusively focused on the distance between perfection and whatever we’re up to—always in the background sizing up how far away from excellence we are in domains varying from refrigerator organization to public speaking. The chatter may be so constant and integrated that we can lose track of just how powerfully the inner critic is influencing our mood and perspective. To help us begin to notice when the inner critic may be in the driver’s seat, we can look out for two types of thinking:
- “I’m not doing enough.” Our inner critic tends to be interested in measuring the distance between what we’re doing and some nearly perfect ideal. Usually, when any distance is detected, the inner critic concludes we’re doing something wrong. Then, the inner critic recruits us in an unrelenting pursuit of fixing what we’re doing wrong. For example, at the end of the day, you didn’t cross off as many items on your to-do list as you imagined you would. Your inner critic encourages you to skip spending quality time with loved ones or push back your bedtime so you can stay focused on completing the to-do list. How many times have we told ourselves we will relax when we have crossed off the last item on the to-do list? In reality, the to-do list just keeps growing, and our satisfaction and well-being get deferred again and again.
- “I’m not good enough.” Of course, our inner critic often lands on the conclusion that we are not good enough. It looks for ways we are not aligned with our ideal version of ourselves and tells us we can at last feel content with ourselves only when we close the gap between reality and our ideal. Examples abound. We believe we will finally be happy when we have the perfect physical appearance, have more energy, have more motivation, are smarter, or feel less anxious. Rarely does the attention and time we spend judging ourselves for being insufficient actually improve our capacity or performance. Mostly it has the opposite effect—it distracts us from our goals and drains our confidence and motivation. Research shows that folks who have more negative judgments of their inner experience have more depression and anxiety (Barcaccia et al., 2019).
How to Pursue Success With Less Distress
Identifying when our inner critic is in the driver’s seat is the first step. What’s next? Research consistently finds that when we can approach our experiences nonjudgmentally, we have less anxiety and depression and greater well-being (Barcaccia et al., 2019). When we can cultivate a curious and compassionate collaboration with our inner critic, we can actually be more effective and feel more content.
Several therapeutic modalities offer useful tools for moving toward pursuing excellence with nonjudgmental curiosity including cognitive behavioral therapy, internal family systems, dialectical behavior therapy, and mindfulness-based psychotherapies. Here are a few practical strategies that can support you in this journey:
- Get curious. Approaching your inner critic as you would a beloved friend or family member, try to understand what your inner critic is afraid might happen if you don’t meet its expectations. Is it predicting a catastrophe? How is it predicting you will cope with that catastrophe? Spoiler—usually the inner critic imagines we can’t cope well with an unwanted outcome. Allow yourself to be open to understanding what your inner critic is trying to protect you from.
- Look for opportunities to update your inner critic’s belief system. Often, our inner critic is predicting catastrophe or underestimating our capacity to cope because of a belief system that is based on past circumstances—for example, in the context of past rejection. If we can identify those outdated belief systems, we have an opportunity to update the facts our inner critic is using to make its predictions to include our current capabilities and circumstances. This allows us to have more updated and accurate assessments of the likelihood of catastrophe and our capacity to cope.
- Look for reasons instead of judging and blaming yourself. When we buy into a story that we aren’t good enough, we can get stuck in a loop of self-blame (“I should have left earlier. I’m irresponsible.”). Reminding ourselves about the facts and how they fit together to yield a specific outcome (“I usually leave at this time. Today my route happened to be delayed by an accident.”) can free us from berating ourselves so that we can focus on being effective.
- Remind yourself that everyone is doing their best with the tools they have (even you!). As much as your inner critic might say so, you’re probably not a loser or failure. Of course, there may be ways you are striving to improve and you can keep doing that. You’ll likely recognize that to do more or better you need more support, resources, skills, or knowledge. Rarely is it the case that a person just needs to try harder or apply more self-discipline to achieve more. So, take a look at your systems, identify how you can fortify or enhance them, and make a plan to do so.
- Practice turning your attention toward activities you value and enjoy. Once you have a supported plan in place for pursuing your goals, practice being intentional about when you work toward your goals and when you have time to focus on enjoyment and connection. When we have a clear plan, we can feel more confident about our ability to balance productivity with things we find pleasant and nourishing. Your inner critic will likely pop up to remind you to strive for excellence, and you can practice reminding yourself (and your inner critic) that you have a plan and a schedule on which to carry it out. In the meantime, you can redirect your attention to the interests, relationships, and self-care that cultivate joy in your life.