Successful relationships are often described as those that weather the test of time. Yet, most relationships do not last. Perhaps there were too many obstacles to conquer. Maybe, over time, one or the other partner became disillusioned and disappointed in the other’s inability to be what they expected. Or, new desires arose that could not have been predicted when the relationship first began.
So many once-committed partners are left with unanswered questions and incomplete closures. They often are left wondering whether they somehow just didn’t do it right. Could the relationship have made it if they had done something different? Or, could it perhaps just have ended without lingering sadness and regret?
As a relationship therapist for five decades, I have asked those questions of many once-intimate partners. When we separate out all of the knowable reasons, what we find is the basic flaw. Those with the deepest regrets realize that they opted to suppress crucial parts of themselves to keep the relationship commitment.
Had they realized that from the beginning and taken the risk of being more authentic, more “all in,” the relationship might still have failed, but they would have lived it fully.
Everything ends at some time. There is no true security. Anything can be torn from us no matter how hard we try to hold on. When we begin a relationship, we are always faced with that reality. If we accept that truth, we have the choice of either loving someone the most deeply we can until they are gone or not investing as much of our real self to make the loss easier when it happens.
That decision is crucial in the way people approach every facet of their lives, but particularly in love relationships. Those who have made the choice to live “all in without guarantees” do not feel the regrets of a partnership not fully lived, no matter whether the relationship ends or thrives.
Knowing this truth to be a reality, why don’t people choose to take the risks in their love relationships that make their existence more alive and purposeful regardless of the outcome?
Some of the Most Common Reasons People Give for Not Living “All In”
Fear of the Unknown
Everyone suffers the conflict between the need for security and the risk of taking chances with unknown outcomes. Choosing the former may bring temporary comfort but will sabotage the possibility of transformation, which every relationship needs to remain vibrant. What would you be like if you were to be more authentic and more willing to challenge what you are experiencing, both inside and between you and your partner?
“If I go ‘all in,’ what if you don’t like who I really am?”
Trauma Is More Likely to Emerge
Many people put guardrails around what they share with others to protect their vulnerability. They suppress prior traumatic experiences for fear their emergence would upend the relationship they are currently in. In doing so, they are not fully open or authentic, fearing that their current partner would be put off or threatened by what they are hiding. Sadly, their partner may be doing the same. They will never know if there could have been a deeper caring had they tried.
“Will I be able to trust that you will not hurt me the way I was hurt in the past?”
They Can’t Take Back Vulnerabilities Shared
Once a person takes the risk of being more authentic, they will share more of their vulnerabilities. Those private parts shared are no longer exempt from being shared if the relationship ends. It has to be OK for that information to no longer be protected.
“What if my ex tells others things about me that I didn’t want them to know?”
Will I Be Seen as Less Valuable?
Most people hide or suppress what they believe will push their partners away. They may have done that in every relationship they’ve ever been in. The irony is that those hidden, internal senses of self, left in interpersonal darkness, never can be worked out in real time. They remain fantasies, always fighting to find expression, and likely to come out in other ways over time.
“What if the person I am inside is less desirable than the person I present?”
Controlling Anticipatory Grief
Many people control their thoughts and behaviors for fear of future loss. As a result, they do not live their present life fully because they are living that loss as if it were happening in the present. They hold back loving another because it will then be easier if they lose them in the future, all the while losing what they could have in the present until that happens.
“I’m afraid to invest more because it will hurt more when I lose it.”
Painful Prior Experiences
After a relationship ends, many people wonder what they could have done differently to avoid that loss. They may feel that their partners rejected them because of who they were once they were more known, or that they have done the same, when, in reality, they were not upfront at the beginning of the relationship. They can drown in the “what if” and the “what I could have done differently” without having had the chance to take the risks to be real from the beginning.
“I always just adapt and adjust to every new relationship and then, when I share more, my partners leave me.”
Caveat: One-Way Nakedness Doesn’t Work
It is crucial that “all in” be a two-way street. A relationship will certainly turn sour if only one partner is willing to take the risks of challenging themselves and each other to be more authentic, more present, and more willing to risk loss over caving into what feels more secure.
But, interestingly enough, when only one partner lives fully from themselves and with the other, that becomes obvious very soon. The other partner will either reciprocate in kind or head for a relationship where they can suppress any behaviors that might sabotage the illusion of superficial compatibility.