Do you (or does someone you know) struggle with sensitivity to rejection? If so, you likely perceive yourself in a negative light and fear that others will reject you for your inadequacies. The sense of being essentially “flawed” is central to what psychologists call an anxious attachment style. Given that anxiously attached people frequently judge themselves for struggling with fears of rejection, it is essential to understand that the need for acceptance (and thus, the fear of rejection) is literally part of the human condition. So, your fear is not only not ridiculous (as you might believe), but it is tapping into an evolutionary drive to survive. To help you better understand your struggles, let’s take a closer look at this aspect of being human.
Connection, Rejection, and Survival
All animals have certain strengths that allow them to survive. While humans are by no means the strongest or fastest animals, they have survived by using their intelligence and working as a community. Interestingly, while the human brain separates us from other animals, we still would not survive without our ability to come together as a community. And for this, we (along with other mammals) have developed an attachment system. We are wired to connect with others, driving us to work together to survive and thrive.
So, despite common beliefs that we should not care what others think and that we should strive to be successful as rugged individualists, our biology says otherwise. Even the most self-sufficient among us has a need for connection. And those people who are the happiest and most fulfilled can nurture healthy relationships, along with other successes they might achieve. By contrast, people who are isolated from others can experience this, along with loneliness, on an evolutionarily biological level as a danger to their survival. With this broader understanding of how the need for relationships and community are so important for people, let’s return to the topic of rejection.
The problem for rejection-sensitive people is not that they are averse to rejection (we all are!), but rather that they have essentially already rejected themselves, and so they scan for evidence of others doing this, too. As we’ve discussed, rejection from a community of others can be experienced as an existential threat.
Your First Step: Increasing Self-Awareness
To appreciate your personal struggles better, it can help to first gain greater self-awareness. To this end, get out a piece of paper (or open Notes on your phone) and try the following exercise, which I developed for my book, Bouncing Back from Rejection.
Consider the following ways in which a negative self-relationship is often expressed. Write down each one that you believe applies to you.
Within Yourself
- Feeling insecure, dependent, weak, inferior, flawed, or inadequate
- Feeling not as good or as competent as other people in your life
- Feeling alone in the world (even when others are around or supportive)
- Being self-critical (which can also be self-bullying)
- Feeling shame, self-loathing
- Being angry with yourself for your perceived flaws
- Withdrawing into yourself in response to feeling so negatively about yourself
- Experiencing fear of being overwhelmed by your emotions (believe intense emotions show that there is something wrong with you)
Self in Relation to Others
- Being quick to see others as rejecting you
- Feeling fearful of rejection or abandonment
- Withdrawing from others to avoid rejection
- Being angry with others for not being as available or supportive as you feel you need, or for not somehow making you feel better
- Trying desperately to prove to others that you are worthy
- Being needy or clingy
Reflect on each copied phrase. The more you endorse these phrases, the more anxiously attached and rejection-sensitive you probably are.
Overcoming Rejection Sensitivity
The phrases you related to in the exercise indicate areas that you would benefit from improving. Just as with any problem you want to solve, you can be more effective by getting to know that problem better.
One way to expand your understanding of your struggles is to journal any thoughts you have related to the self-perceptions that you endorsed. You might write a stream of consciousness entry for each endorsed statement.
You might also explore your self-perceptions by being curious about them. This three-minute video, Understanding and Overcoming Rejection Sensitivity, offers some questions you might ask yourself, along with encouragement to conquer your fears of rejection.
Leaving Rejection Sensitivity Behind
Exploring your insecurities and fears of rejection will enable you to understand them better, which will open you to empathizing with them. And as a result, you are likely to develop self-compassion and self-acceptance. It is this process of nurturing compassionate self-awareness that can help you to heal.
Keep in mind that as you work to overcome your sensitivity to rejection, your desire not to be rejected will not disappear. It will — with time and effort — just become less intense. Also, as you begin to develop compassionate self-awareness, a criticism of something you have done or a statement about someone’s perception of you will not cause you to turn on yourself. Whether or not you agree with the comments, you will continue to feel essentially likable, lovable, and capable. With a deeply held positive self-worth, you will no longer live in fear of rejection, allowing you to be more confident as you embrace relationships and bravely pursue your dreams.