Most people know the fight-or-flight response, a survival mechanism related to threatening situations and events. In recent years, in no small part due to high-profile legal cases involving sexual assault, a third trauma response—freeze—where people simply remain still in the face of imminent threat, is more widely recognised and understood.
Fawning is a relatively unknown and often undetected trauma response that is difficult to recognize and understand. Let’s look at fawning, its short-term benefits, and its long-term risks.
People-Pleasing vs. Fawning
Fawning, in many ways, presents as people-pleasing behaviors, where individuals seek to care for and cater to the wants, needs, and preferences of other people, often while failing to factor their self-care, needs, and desires into the equation of their lives. People pleasers are often admired, and seen as agreeable, selfless, considerate, and kind—positive traits that don’t typically raise concerns in family and social circles.
While people-pleasing behaviours, such as an inability to say no and frequent validation-seeking, are often rooted in low self-worth, fawning behaviours are tied to traumatic experiences. Most often, they are associated with prolonged exposure to trauma—that is to say, complex trauma that often begins in early childhood.
About PTSD and Complex PTSD
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) begins with a traumatic event or an exposure to threat of sudden death, serious injury, violent assault, or sexual violence. It could also involve a serious injury, or sudden, or unexpected death of a loved one. PTSD can also occur after witnessing or experiencing a traumatic, life-threatening event, like a natural disaster, a serious car accident like an automobile or plane crash, physical or sexual assault, military combat, or war-zone exposure.
PTSD is linked to a single event or experience, or a cluster of related events. Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) occurs as the result of prolonged, often long-term exposure to a traumatic situation. C-PTSD involves prolonged, repeated experiences—often in childhood—of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, domestic violence, or neglect.
C-PTSD sufferers are often unable to escape their environment, and feel powerless and constantly under threat. Prolonged exposure to traumatic situations later in life—such as being a victim of human trafficking or a cult, living in a war zone with no hope of escape, being a victim of torture, and being a victim of intimate partner violence—are also linked to C-PTSD.
Fawning as a Safety Behavior
Fawning is essentially a safety behavior, a maladaptive means of creating, restoring, or maintaining a sense of calm, normalcy, and safety in the context of a dangerous, toxic, tyrannical, or explosive relationship. People engaging in fawning are extremely careful not to say or do anything to upset or challenge the individual they seek to placate. They often feel that they are responsible for the emotional well-being of others, especially the person (or people) they fear.
Here, pleasing and catering to the needs of an abuser serves as a means of avoiding looming threats of emotional, social, sexual, financial, and other forms of abuse. Individuals who have suffered from bullying, racism, sexism, and other forms of exclusionist behaviours also rely on fawning behaviours as a means of survival in the face of threat.
People who engage in fawning often assume blame for other’s mistakes. They are quick to take responsibility for errors that are not theirs and have difficulty asking for or accepting assistance from others. They invest a great deal of thought into anticipating the desires or needs of others.
The Lasting Effects of Fawning Behaviors
As is the case with people-pleasers, fawning behaviors are often considered socially acceptable, and individuals who selflessly cater to the wants and needs of others are often admired, and celebrated as sweet, nice, and considerate of others. But what lies beneath these behaviors is anything but nice.
While fawning produces short-term peace-keeping benefits, in the long term, people who rely on fawning to maintain their sense of safety suffer tremendous hurt and harm, including self-isolation, emotional exhaustion, and a sense of disconnection from others. Fawning behaviours are linked to low self-esteem and self-worth, anxiety, and depression.
Hope and Healing: How to Let Go of Fawning Behaviors
The first step to healing and change is always awareness. Building awareness and recognition of the signs, symptoms, and underlying conditions that lead individuals to fawning behaviors as a means of maintaining a sense of safety and security are key to healing and growth. There are many effective mental health professionals, trauma specialists, and treatment modalities available to those who seek treatment for complex trauma. There is hope, healing, and life beyond trauma.
What to do if you recognize the fawning response in your life:
- Examine your behaviors and history with compassion for what you have been through and survived.
- Make a promise to yourself to act in your best interest.
- Tune in to your basic self-care needs, including the need for nutrient-rich foods and regular sleep routines. Connect to and calm yourself through deep breathing and spending time in nature.
- Seek the help of a mental health professional to help you heal your trauma.
To find support near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.