This post is Part 2 of a two-post series. Part 1 can be found here.
Given all the possible, unhealthy narratives children can develop, what can parents do?
First, name the emotions
Narratives form around a child’s big feelings.
Let’s say a child is terrified to get a shot at the doctor’s office—and will construct a narrative that doctors are harmful. When the parent brings these feelings into the open where the child can process them, it’s less likely the child will develop an inaccurate narrative.
How then do you name emotions? It depends on your child’s age.
You might tell a two-year-old, “You’re feeling scared,” but with a three-year-old, you can add, “You’re scared because you think the doctor’s shot will hurt.”
As your child gets older, you can include where the feelings come from. For example, with a five-year-old, you could say, “You say you hate me because I’m letting the doctor give you a shot. Okay, I get that. But I think you’re also super scared of the shot and hating that you don’t get any say in this.”
Then name the narrative
By first attending to your child’s feelings, you’re enabling them to engage their thinking, which is what you’re doing when you name the narrative. Ultimately, you’re helping your child see that the narrative doesn’t make sense.
To formulate what the narrative might be, pay attention to your child’s behavior, and use your intuition. In the example above, various narratives could form:
- Doctors hurt me, rather than help.
- My parent is on the doctor’s side, not mine.
- I can’t trust the people who are supposed to help me.
With a preschooler, you might say, “I know shots hurt, but doctors are here to help, and I am, too.” Or, “I know shots hurt, but I’m making sure you’re safe.”
For the five-year-old, you can be more explicit: “You said you hated me, and I think you felt I was on the doctor’s side, not yours. But I’m always on your side. I’m always keeping you safe, even when it doesn’t feel like it.”
Notice here that the parent names the child’s emotionally-based (and unhealthy) narrative, then offers a more accurate (and healthy) narrative.
Repairing things
Many unhealthy narratives in Part 1 stem from our actions or inactions: we’re working two jobs, or we lose our cool and yell, or a high-needs sibling gets most of our attention.
Ultimately, our child has experienced a break in connection with us, and this needs repairing.
Here are the five steps for making a repair. It starts with speaking to the child’s experience and feelings, then correcting the child’s misunderstandings or misperceptions.
a) Describe what happened from your child’s perspective
You’re after empathy here, imagining how your child felt.
To the child whose high-needs sibling gets much of your attention, you could say, “When I cut out of book time last night to manage your brother, I know it felt unfair, like he was more important than reading with you.”
b) Listen and validate your child’s feelings
Invite your child to share their feelings with you. This isn’t a time to question their feelings but rather to accept them. Then give a quick recap to show that you really heard your child.
c) Own your part
This step can be hard—it means acknowledging how you contributed to the problem. It’s especially hard when you feel you didn’t do anything wrong (i.e. it’s not your choice to work two jobs and be exhausted!)
Again, put your perspective aside and focus on your child’s experience, saying, “I know I’m not around enough and I’m often too tired when I get home. I know how hard this is for you.”
d) Describe your plan to change
You don’t need to give a lot of details here. You’re just telling your child that you’re taking responsibility and trying to do things differently. This could sound like, “I know I get angry really fast, and I’m working hard on staying calmer.”
e) Clarify any misunderstandings or misperceptions
After you’ve spoken to your child’s feelings, they will be more able to hear this last part in which you appeal to the child’s intellect. Here, you’re giving information and facts to counter whatever scenarios your child has manufactured to explain what happened.
For example, you might say, “I work two jobs because we need the money. Right now I can’t change that. But I’m trying to save more energy for you.” Or, “Your brother has many challenges that make things really hard for him, so he needs lots of my help. I know he gets more attention than you do, and it doesn’t feel fair to you. What’s actually fair is that you each get what you need.” Or, “I wish the doctor’s shot didn’t hurt, but I know you can handle it, and it will keep you healthy for a long time.”
Repairing: a final thought
If nothing else, when you repair with your child, you’re telling them that they matter. You’re reconnecting after there’s been a break, and this creates crucial narratives that become the foundation of their self-esteem.
Create healthy narratives that oppose the unhealthy one
Why not replace the unhealthy narrative with a healthy one?
For instance, if your child is developing poor self-esteem, find opportunities to point out how wonderful they are. You’ll need to provide convincing evidence to back this up—it doesn’t have to be ground-shifting behavior, just little things (like clearing their plate when you ask them to) that demonstrate how great they are.
Keep in mind that undoing an unhealthy narrative takes time. For the new narrative to take hold, you’ll have to point out how awesome your child is a few times a day for many months.
[If you’re unclear about what narratives are and how they form in children, see this key article.]