Mothering does not end when our kids are 18 or 21. Mothering adult children is hard, and very few parenting books focus on this very long period in the parent-child relationship. Mothering adult children whose mental or physical health interferes with their becoming self-sufficient and independent from their families is particularly stressful.
I am a psychotherapist and researcher who focuses on the challenges that older mothers experience when their adult son or daughter has an untreated serious mental health illness (SMI; schizophrenia, bipolar, schizoaffective, borderline personality, and/or drug or alcohol abuse). Each of these illnesses can interfere with the young adult’s ability to become economically and emotionally self-sufficient. Despite the differences among adult children’s diagnoses, I discovered that there are many similarities in how this family situation affects mothers, who themselves are aging (Smith, 2022). Many vulnerable adult children with SMI, especially if they do not continue to take their prescribed medications, cannot manage independent living. In the absence of affordable community supportive housing, they turn to their parents for financial and residential support. These mothers become the default safety net for their adult children. Living together again often can include family conflict, in which the mothers feel disrespected and, at times, powerless.
What is it like for mothers whose adult children have a chronic physical illness? In a recent interview I conducted with Lynn Fuentes, an educator, author, and the mother of an adult child with a chronic illness (ME-CFS, myalgic encephalomyelitis, or chronic fatigue syndrome), I explored this question (Fuentes, 2022). Fuentes’ work focuses on the experience of families with children with chronic illnesses that are less well understood by the medical profession such as fibromyalgia, ME-CFS, lupus, or rheumatoid arthritis. Our conversation illuminated that in both situations, mothers who care for adult children with severe chronic conditions experience emotional burden, stigma, and societal misunderstandings.
Facing Judgments
One commonality between the caregiving experiences is the judgments that the mothers face regarding their ongoing involvement with their adult child’s illnesses. In the mental illness world, mothers are often blamed for being involved and they are called “enablers” or “co-dependent.” These labels assume that the adult child’s problems regarding self-sufficiency are being encouraged by the mother’s care and concern. Similarly, according to Fuentes, when an adult child has a medical condition that does not get resolved through medical intervention, friends and even physicians express a sense of disbelief or even mother-blame when the condition persists. Mothers in these situations frequently encounter accusations of being overprotective, incompetent, or even deliberately keeping their child sick—sometimes to the extreme of being suspected of Munchausen syndrome by proxy or exaggerating their child’s disease to get attention for themselves (Asher R. 1951).
While there is growing public acknowledgment about the stresses on adult children when having to care for their older parents, very little attention has been given to the caregiving by older parents to their children with chronic illnesses. Fuentes shared that in the early stages of a physical illness, family and friends may offer support, and the mother may be commended for her dedication. However, as time progresses, societal perceptions shift and friends pull away.
When an adult child has a psychiatric illness, mothers report that their neighbors, friends, and even family can become judgmental, frightened, and distant. When a child is in an automobile accident or is diagnosed with cancer, neighbors will bring in casseroles or offer to help in many other ways. When a young person attempts suicide or is unable to emerge from a depression, these same neighbors become fearful and do not know how to support, or even speak to, the grieving family.
Stigma regarding both mental and chronic illnesses places an immense burden on mothers, who are often the sole caregivers after other family members withdraw. They must navigate the medical or psychiatric system, advocate for their child’s needs, and simultaneously endure the emotional weight of their child’s suffering. In my work, I have seen how lonely and isolated mothers become after years of living on high alert, responding to the dangers of their adult children’s lives on what many describe as a “roller-coaster”: their son or daughter’s mental illness.
Wishing for Independence
Supporting your son or daughter’s healthy wish to be independent is challenging, especially, for mothers whose adult child has either a physical or psychiatric disability. Fuentes described how hard it was when kids with chronic illnesses are in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, “because they want to be independent. They do not want to live in their mother’s house. They want to be out, they want to have relationships, they want to have a job, and they can’t. So, it is a constant, constant battle for everybody involved, trying to do their best but not knowing how to navigate that world.”
Ultimately, our conversation highlighted a crucial yet often overlooked issue in caregiving: the unrelenting, lifelong responsibility shouldered by mothers of children with chronic illnesses. It calls for greater awareness, empathy, and systemic support to ensure that these mothers and their ill adult children receive the recognition and assistance they deserve. By addressing the stigma and providing better resources, society can help ease the burden of both the adult with the illness and their families.