In many relationships, one person will feel jealous and begin to withdraw from their partner or criticize them. This is perfectly human. If you are experiencing this, there may be more constructive ways to approach relationship difficulties. We are all human and may be driven by our emotions, but stand back and ask yourself if attacking or withdrawing will make anything better.
Let’s look at some of the issues surrounding jealousy that you may be thinking about
- Why should I have to deal with their baggage? Some people are more prone to jealousy than others, and some people are more insensitive to the needs of their partners. Everyone has a past—and everyone has some baggage. Relationships may require that we help our partner carry their baggage. Think about it as compassion toward the person you love.
- Focus less on being right and more on being effective. Relationships are not about winning points in a debate and are seldom about the facts. They are about helping each other feel secure, understood, and respected. When you criticize or dismiss your partner, how will that make them feel? Will this make them feel more secure and cared for?
- Validate that you are part of the problem so you can be part of the solution. If you flirt with other people or maintain close relationships with past lovers, you may be contributing to the jealousy that is directed toward you. Acknowledge that it may not be your intention to hurt your partner, but also recognize that your partner may be so connected to you that your “innocent” behavior makes them feel threatened.
- Realize that you have to change if you want your partner to change. Good relationships are like a balanced seesaw. It is your job to find a compromise that works for both of you. Compromise is always involved in effective negotiations that produce lasting benefits. If you compel your partner to accept something they don’t feel comfortable with, your agreements will break down. You may value your freedom to do whatever you want to do, but committed relationships balance freedom with respect, compassion, and security. Total freedom may mean ending up alone. You can try thinking of freedom differently: What would you be capable of experiencing in a committed relationship based on honesty? Greater depth, longer and more satisfying security, and accumulated mutual benefits? Being a loner may mean you are free to do what is meaningless.
- Don’t equate jealousy with insecurity. If you label your partner as neurotic and insecure, it will only make them more anxious and jealous. Think of their jealousy as an expression of how they value you and fear losing you—that they are genuinely connected to you. Perhaps you are not prone to jealousy, but their anxiety is the fear of losing someone that they value. That is you. You can validate that their jealousy comes from this concern. But you can also assert that there may be better ways of expressing it.
- Think about their jealousy as part of a bigger picture—the relationship room. Imagine a large room filled with shelves with many books and objects. The books describe the experiences that you and your partner can recall together, the feelings of being connected, loving each other, and feeling understood. But on one of the shelves, there is a book entitled Our Jealousy. That book is only one part of a much bigger set of experiences and emotions. What other positive emotions have you experienced in your relationship? What feelings do you want to have? The room is not defined by one book or one emotion. Look at the entire room.
- Make room for the jealousy. Understandably, your partner’s jealousy can be a problem for you—as it is for them. But do not reduce your partner or the relationship to that one emotion by anchoring to their jealousy and ruminating. Accept that this emotion may come and go, that there may be problems at times, but that you can move forward anyway. Build a strong relationship based on acceptance—even of things you may not like at the moment. Say to yourself or to your partner, “You are feeling this right now, and it is difficult, but I am with you.” Never tell your partner not to feel the way they do. That will not work. Rather, tell them you are here for them during this difficult time, ready to listen, open to change, open to sharing their pain and their joy.
Final thoughts. I once had a patient who was in a turbulent relationship, and he asked me for the secret to maintaining a long-term relationship. I told him my windsurfing story. Years ago, I was down in the Virgin Islands and wanted to learn how to windsurf better in heavy winds and waves. I drove to the windy part of the island and got some lessons from Mike, the windsurf hotshot of St. John. As he rocked back and forth, he said to me, “The key is to rock and roll and commit to the action!” I’ve found that a healthy marriage follows this advice.