
A recent event reminded me that meanness comes in various forms, leading to differences in how best to cope with it.
While biking to work in winter weather, I made a quick decision to ride on the sidewalk because the bike path and street were blocked with snow and ice. I approached a jogger and pulled aside to let her pass. She threw her hands in the air, and with a look of disgust screamed, “This is a sidewalk! Use the damn bike path!” I was too stunned to respond.
This is an example of what I like to refer to as a random act of meanness. You might encounter a random act of meanness with a stranger in which you are the target of their frustration and rudeness, such as being yelled at or given a disparaging look. While you don’t have to manage relationships with these individuals, research suggests that such events can linger in your mind, affecting your emotional well-being and task performance.
The biking incident was a trivial bump in my commute that still managed to leave me shaken up for most of the morning. Being an anxious person, I’m prone to more intense physiological reactions to stressors, such as temporary increases in heart rate and blood pressure.
Random acts of meanness can strengthen unhealthy beliefs about being unlikable or incompetent, or the world being an uncaring place. This negativity in turn fuels cynicism, which ironically makes people more vulnerable to others’ rude behavior because they are less likely to put on a friendly face.
The jogger’s misperception of my incivility was particularly upsetting. I understand that bikers are not supposed to use sidewalks, but I was trying to stay safe in inclement weather.
Another incident from this past summer also involved a misunderstanding with a stranger. I was driving home from an errand and approached a traffic guard, but she was leaning on her stop sign and looking down at her phone. I thought it would be rude to honk my horn at her, and after standing still for a few moments and not seeing any other cars in the vicinity, I slowly accelerated. This startled her, and she furiously pumped the stop sign in the air. The idea that she seemed to think I was a jerk left me rattled for hours afterward.
One commonality between these two incidents was the lack of opportunity I had to explain myself to the other person. While the fact that I might never again interact with them was comforting, the ache of unresolved conflict persisted.
Yet another situation that happened long ago taught me that having the chance to effectively respond to random acts of meanness can leave me feeling more encouraged than resentful. I was checking out at a grocery store and placed my items on the far end of the conveyor belt instead of closer to the cashier. The cashier complained that I was making her move them.
Rather than getting angry, I looked at her sorrowfully and apologized, “I’m just so tired and out of sorts today.” Immediately, her expression melted into one of compassion as she cooed, “It’s OK, Baby,” and bagged my items. In this case, revealing vulnerability led to a happier ending.
Another trend that has emerged from my personal experiences with random acts of meanness, as well as similar stories shared by clients over the years, is a need to determine who was right and wrong.
The problem with harping on right versus wrong, though, is that the other person might see you as the one who was wrong just as much as you see the opposite. The downside of this is that the people who were annoyed by me might never see my side of the story. On the other hand, trying to understand their emotional reaction, even if I might not grasp their logic, helps me entertain the idea that their meanness was, at its core, defensiveness. This makes us connected in our shared human tendency to hold onto perceptions that are clouded by bias.
All of this is to say that, sometimes, random acts of meanness teach us that who was right and wrong is not so important. Rather, recovering emotionally and trying to learn from these situations is the best we can hope for. Here are suggestions to help you reclaim your well-being as you are working through similar situations:
- Release tension in healthy ways. Venting in a journal or engaging in intense exercise can help. In my own case, writing this post is an example of a healthy release.
- Don’t expect to feel understood. Research shows that anger reduces perspective-taking. When you don’t have the opportunity to resolve the conflict, imagine having a conversation with the other person in which you show mutual understanding and forgiveness.
- Seek validation from others. Seeking validation from friends and family can be a good idea, but understand that others might unintentionally write it off as not a big deal if they rush to solutions like “Just let it roll off your back” or “Don’t let them get under your skin.” These phrases, although well-intentioned, are generally the last thing you want to hear after you’ve been slighted by a random act of meanness. Specifically asking for your feelings to be validated, rather than for solutions (at least initially) might be more helpful. Express this directly by approaching the discussion as one about how you are feeling.
Once your mind is calm, be open to changing your behavior in a flexible way. Initially, I balked at the idea of riding in the street when the bike path was unavailable, but my family then suggested that I walk my bike if I’m sharing a narrower path with someone else. At the same time, accepting that these incidents are bound to occur from time to time despite your best efforts to be civil will help you be more compassionate toward yourself and others.