Most of us have used “never words.” Someone we care about has had a job loss, gone through a break-up, lost a loved one, or has a fertility problem, and we don’t know what to say—so we echo a cliché that we’ve heard others say. But as soon as the words are out of our mouth, we know from their reaction that we “never” should have said that. They were never words, and we want to understand why and what to say instead. So here are some examples of frequent never words, followed by “better words,” and when “no words” says it best.
Never Words
For a break-up or divorce
“There’s someone better waiting for you.”
If you can’t guarantee it, don’t say it. You’re suggesting that their emotional investment in the relationship wasn’t very smart or was a waste of their time.
“It was for the best.”
If they’re in pain, they are likely to think that you are unempathetic and pretending to know the future. Even if their life works out that way, they won’t believe you now.
“There’s always another…”
Really? Like another bus or another meal? This cliché is like saying there was nothing special or unique about their relationship or job and that it can be easily replaced.
“I warned you.”
Even if you did warn them, this moment is not about you. You don’t get points for having been right. Instead, you’ll probably lose points for not being comforting and understanding.
For a job loss
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Even if you both believe that’s true, it still doesn’t acknowledge their sadness. In fact, it can sound like toxic positivity—happy talk in sad situations, forcing play-acting instead of real feelings.
“Don’t worry, you’ll bounce back!”
They may be strong and resilient, but if they are dealing with an emotional injury, they probably need more comforting right now than reassurance that they will be OK later—which they probably already know.
“At least you have your health.”
All “at least” statements suggest that not only was the loss unimportant, but also they should feel guilty for being upset about their loss.
For a fertility journey
“Relax; stop trying so hard, and it will happen.”
If only it were that simple! Infertility causes stress, but stress does not cause infertility. Not only is this advice inaccurate, but it also blames the victim for their own situation.
“At least you can always adopt.”
A decision to adopt is a big life step of its own and not just a fallback decision in case assisted reproductive technologies like in vitro fertilization (IVF) don’t work. Besides, it’s glib since adoption is not always available or feasible, even for those who may choose adoption.
“It will happen when it’s meant to be.”
My patients tell me this is the phrase they hear often from their relatives, and it makes them feel like victims of fate. Even worse, they say, is the comment “Maybe it’s not meant to be,” which makes them feel defeated.
“What really works is…”
Unless you are a medical expert in the fertility field, trying to comfort someone by suggesting a different doctor, alternative diet, or a “new” treatment may come across as intrusive and patronizing. Even if you really are an expert in the field, wait until you are asked before giving your opinion.
“You can have my children if you want.”
Not funny. Instead of reminding them that parenting can be difficult, it reminds them you were able to get pregnant and they can’t! Skip the jokes and read the “better words” section.
For a loved one’s death
“They’re in a better place now.”
Many believe that a loved one who has passed away is in a better place, but we are comforting the person who has suffered the loss, and they are not in a better place right now. They are still here with us, and they are grieving—and that needs to be acknowledged.
“At least they lived a long life.”
More history with a loved one usually means more of a sense of loss, not less. It often takes as long as two years for our brain to process a dramatic change in our daily life, so skip those never words.
“You need to be strong for… [others].”
This common advice is usually on the never-words list because it can make the grieving person feel guilty that they are sad and implies that they are weak for showing their sadness to others.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
It is so natural and empathetic to say “I understand,” “I get it,” or “I’ve been there,” so why are these never words? Because unless you have been through exactly the same experience, and they know it, they won’t really believe that you do know exactly how they feel. And this is not the moment they want to hear about your experience. Later, if they ask, share your experience and common feelings.
Better Words
Simple words that invite sharing and communicate caring are better words. Here are some to get you started and feel more comfortable:
- “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
- “Please know that I’m here for you.”
- “You are in my thoughts/prayers/heart.”
- “What are you feeling?”
- “How can I help?”
- “Do you want to talk about what happened?”
- “I’m here if you want to talk later on.”
- “I’m here if you just want company.”
- “Please tell me something specific I can do to help.”
- “When would you like me to visit/call again?”
No Words
If you feel awkward or uncomfortable finding the right words to say to someone going through a difficult experience, I’ve learned from my patients that you don’t have to say anything at all:
- First, listen and repeat what they say so they know you’ve heard them, so they can hear themselves, and because everything they say out loud to you is less frightening than what they are thinking when they’re alone in the middle of the night.
- Next, allow them to show emotion by allowing yourself to show emotion.
- Stay in touch in the weeks and months to come. They will probably still need support.
- And, finally, take nothing they say or do personally. Some days and nights will be harder for them than others.
In other words, just be there! A hug, a shoulder, a hand, all say, “You’re not alone,” and you can do that without a cliché getting in the way.