The Importance of What You Don’t Do

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It is clear that many behaviors have important implications for our well-being and the well-being of others. Less obvious is the significance of the actions we don’t take, the things we don’t do. There are times, however, when we feel grateful or remorseful as we reflect upon our inaction. Regret has been associated with lower life satisfaction overall in members of the Baby Boomer generation (Ferguson, 2023; Oishi, 2021). Regret for what we didn’t do can evoke sadness or depression, ranging in intensity as a function of the difference our action could have made and the extent to which we had been able to act.

Opportunities

We may regret the opportunities we let pass by—the relationship that might have become our storybook romance, training or education that might have led to a more fulfilling career, or seeking health care before a problem became more serious. We might have not understood their value at the time they presented themselves or we might have been afraid to pursue them.

Lack of confidence in our ability to succeed, our fear of failure, can serve as an obstacle to our personal growth and career advancement. Inertia can be a powerful force in holding us back, as the familiar feels safe and reliable. We know the demands of our current situation, but future options pose unknown challenges and potential for stress, unhappiness, or failure.

Fear of tackling new tasks often has its roots in a person’s past. For example, parents hoping to protect their children from the emotional costs of losing competitions may express high expectations for achievement, reward good performance, and convey disappointment or withhold affection or privileges when they perceive their child’s behavior or accomplishment as inadequate. Such parent-child interactions are likely to be counterproductive in the long run and contribute to fear of failure in adolescence and adulthood (Sagar & Lavallee, 2010). At any age, shame can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety, perfectionism, and fear of failure (Burns, 2023).

Relationships

Representing the “road not taken,” options not pursued involve unknown future possibilities. Close or intimate relationships pose virtually unlimited opportunities to give aid, advice, and emotional support. The complexity of living forces us to use our practical and emotional resources wisely. At times, we might feel overwhelmed or burdened beyond our capacity to respond. At other times, we might believe that it is more productive to withhold assistance. In retrospect, a person can be consumed with regret or feelings of guilt over help or emotional support not given or not adequately provided. Given that time progresses irreversibly, such untapped possibilities cannot be fulfilled. It may not be possible to restore or undo any resultant practical or emotional injury, whether perceived or real. There may be many options no longer available to us—the youthful romance we didn’t pursue, the baby we didn’t have, the unheeded warning signs of a loved one in trouble.

Don’t Lose Perspective

While regretting what might have been, we should also enjoy relief when considering the negative actions we didn’t take. We should be grateful that we resisted the impulse to buy the car or house that was beyond our budget. More importantly, we can be relieved that we didn’t say or do the harsh things we almost did in moments of anger or frustration. Balancing our emotions is not the same as solving simultaneous equations or applying a simple algorithm. It is surveying both the positive and negative in the landscape of our attempts to live a rich life.

Making Regret Work for Us

Research suggests that people can suffer greater regret for what they didn’t do than for what they have done (Sandberg, Hutter, Richetin, & Conner, 2016). Many of the consequences of what we’ve done become known, but we’ll never know the ultimate impact of what never was. So, we can imagine possibilities that might never have materialized. We can engage in unrealistic thinking and envision having missed what might not have actually occurred. When the burden of regret becomes unbearably heavy, it is important we recognize that it often involves a degree of counterfactual thinking and an assumption of certainty that did not exist at the time. Our regret might be based in part on the unfounded or uncertain presumption that an action not taken would have resulted in better outcomes. Hindsight enjoys the benefit of more information than was available at the time.

Allowing regret to progress to guilt, depression, or self-hate doesn’t just rob us of our authentic worth; it can rob others of the benefits we can extend to them when we keep our focus on them rather than on our own perceived inadequacy. Obsessing over what might have been doesn’t help accomplish what might be today. Anticipating future regret can motivate us to take actions that will help us avoid missing opportunities in the future (Abraham & Sheeran, 2004; Bae, Lee, Lee, McKelvie, & Lee, 2024; Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2007; 2009). In his song “Things I Wish I’d Said,” Rodney Crowell recaps the deathbed conversations between a son and his father: “So here am I your only son. I’m thinking back on work we’ve done . . . man, we had our fights.” But regret can evoke forgiveness: “I thank the moon and stars we had a chance to heal our scars . . . I don’t have to live in dread over things, I wish I’d said.”

Shifting our focus from punishing ourselves to helping others accomplishes good in the present and avoids future regret. Attending to others can begin with small acts of kindness. Thinking of the sad and lonely, John Prine sang in his song “Hello in There,” if you “spot some hollow, ancient eyes, please don’t just pass ‘em by and stare . . . Say, ‘Hello in there, hello’.” In “Bring My Flowers Now,” Tanya Tucker sang: “I wish I’d been a better friend. A better daughter to my mother . . . don’t wait to help your sister. Forgive your brother and your neighbor. We all think we’ve got time until we don’t.”

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Do what you will one day be glad that you have done. Do it while you still can.

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